005: SEX – QUANTITY VS QUALITY

It’s the ultimate marriage chicken and egg scenario…

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Are you satisfied with less frequent mind blowing sex?

OR

Does more frequent sex lead to better sex because you learn how to better please your spouse?

We weigh in on these options and discuss what has happened in our marriage.

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6 thoughts on “005: SEX – QUANTITY VS QUALITY

  1. Quality in the bedroom is so important, I agree wholeheartedly! Brian and I had many many years of “two bodies in one bed”. I thought that the female orgasm was a myth for the first 5 years of our marriage! Part if that was because we got pregnant right away and our children are 16 and 18 months apart…so parenthood truly consumed the majority of the first years of our marriage.
    So what defines “quality”?
    Is it orgasms, feeling spiritually connected, both people being satisfied even if it does not include orgasm, sharing an experience in the bedroom that one or both partners learned something to improve sex next time?
    At times for us, it is one or any combination of these. Do not get me wrong….we both would love for every bedroom encounter to end with each of us climaxing, but that is an unrealistic expectation at times!
    I think that the original idea behind the “honeymoon” was probably to have quantity sex until you figured out how to make it quality! Then after the “honeymoon” period, real life commences and hopefully that special time together taught you things to bring you closer as partners.

  2. I couldn't agree more with you Anita. Our marriage was much the same way in the early years, but we didn't have the kids. We just didn't connect sexually. The “honeymoon” stage that you discuss was our 60 Days of Sex long after the real honeymoon. This was the turning point from having mediocre sex to having quality sex almost every time. As we discussed in the podcast this was a time when we were able to really learn more about each other. The 60 days allowed us to better understand each others likes and dislikes while making love, a spiritual connection in our bedroom, which was never there before, and both of us climaxing almost every time now.

    I believe that there needs to be an openness about sex in the marriage to fully achieve the benefits that you so desire. These desires are going to be different for each of us because of different personalities and circumstances.

    A challenge that Alisa and I have put out there for many couples is to do the 7 Day Challenge. Go 7 days straight with the understanding that the two of you are working towards quality for the long term of your marriage even though you are putting in quantity time in the short term.

    Thank you for your awesome comments.

  3. Awesome podcast! Communication is so important. We need to get away from assumptions and/or expectations that our spouse can read our mind (sexually or otherwise). Authentic sexual intimacy comes from tremendous willingness to be vulnerable and to communicate what we like and what we need sexually. Nearly all of the women I speak with attest to the struggle with reaching orgasm (when I speak and shed light on this, it is so reassuring to them that they are not alone in this struggle). I could write and write on this, but I'll keep the comment to this… Thank you Tony and Alisa for being real and generating good dialogue on this topic of sex.

  4. I loved this one! Quality is soooo important, especially from a woman’s point of view. We want that feeling of deep connection, of being able to communicate our love without words.
    We’re a young couple (still in our 20’s), so we’re still trying to figure all of this out! When we were first together it was all new, different, exciting and all about quantity! We would “do it” all night long, even if we had to work the next morning! And, while my hubby thought it was great (no surprise there!) I was becoming increasingly frustrated because things just weren’t happening for me. It became less and less fun and there were many times when I would bury my face in the pillows and just sob afterward. My sweet hubby had no idea that I wasn’t enjoying myself and I was too embarrassed to tell him.
    I came from a very sheltered household. I didn’t even know what a period was before I got mine! And sex was never, ever talked about. The one time I was brave enough to check out a book on sex (it was even a book for Christian married couples!) my mom screamed at me that I must be sleeping around to even want to look at a book like that! Anyway, not to go on a tangent, but that was my background. While I loved my hubby, I thought he was the hottest guy in the world (and still do!) it just broke my heart to have to tell him that, where enjoying sex was concerned, he was the Lone Ranger in our relationship.
    So, one time while we were having a quiet discussion, I broke down and told him. I sobbed and cried and apologized for deceiving him and was utterly surprised that he wasn’t angry in the least. Instead, he very calmly said that we would just have to figure it out together!
    And so we have been! And it has been awesome! We’ve learned so much and had so many conversations about what works and what doesn’t and what would be fun to try. It’s been so much fun. And the closeness that I feel to him, being able to be honest about “such things” has really strengthened our relationship. I feel safe with him and not judged or criticized. And while quantity has definitely gone down (we have three kids under age five!) the quality has definitely gone up! Things are definitely “working” for me 😉 and our whole countenances change and we’ll be glowing for days. It’s like a runner’s high and it’s amazing. When we have quality sex, it totally improves our mood, lowers stress levels and the little things that have been bugging me for days suddenly seem unimportant. I truly think it’s a gift from God for married couples!
    Anyway, I really enjoyed this podcast! Thanks for letting me share my little story 🙂
    Blessings!

  5. Jenni,

    Thank you for the insights you shared about the conversations you have had about working through sex in your marriage. It’s so important for couples to talk about what works (or doesn’t) and what they might want to try. Your husband has given you the gift of being able to share these times without criticism or judgement, truly as a way to strengthen your marriage.

    I couldn’t agree with you more when you say that sex is a gift from God for married couples.

    Alisa