010: CAN YOU ADMIT WHEN YOU ARE WRONG?

Listen in as we share our less than perfect week.

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Can you admit when you are wrong?

Or are you quick to jump on the defensive when your spouse brings up an issue?

Alisa was moody and irritable, quick to dismiss anything that Tony had to say.

Listen to the he said/she said of what happened and how we were able to learn from this experience.

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16 thoughts on “010: CAN YOU ADMIT WHEN YOU ARE WRONG?

  1. I'm delurking to let you know I'm enjoying your blog and podcasts. I dislike conflict and tend to not want to rock the boat, but a month ago I had held on to my emotions far too long and I exploded. I felt that my husband was putting a volunteer coaching position ahead of me and I was upset. He immediately came back telling me I am not supportive and never have been. I was shocked and changed! Full of grief and anger that we've been married for 15 years and this is the first he mentions it. Support is huge in marriage!! This disagreement caused so much hurt, doubt, and insecurities to surface. I've been praying for help and guidance.

  2. Julie,

    Thank you for your courage to “delurk”. Your marriage has faced some huge challenges over the last few weeks. It seems like there is more going on, on both sides, and that the two of you will need to evaluate how you communicate in your marriage. It is understandable that the items brought up would lead to all of the feelings that you mentioned. I encourage you to check out the Resources link on our website for tools to help you, specifically the Family Relationships Report and the 77 Questions to Get Your Conversation Started. Thank you for trusting us with your story. We will pray for you and your husband. Please know that we are here for you.

    Alisa

  3. Julie – Have you two had a chance to have a heart-to-heart since this happened? If so, how did it go? If not, I would suggest making some time for the two of you to sit down and talk alone. My approach to a situation like this would be to bring it up a couple of days before you plan to sit down. You might want to use some of the questions that Alisa mentioned to get the conversation started. By doing this it will give your husband time to think about what is going on inside of him and in your marriage.

    I know this hurts, but you two can and will come out stronger on the other side. It is through adversity that God builds us up to be stronger and more focused. Alisa and I are not where we are today because we've had an easy marriage. You know that from listening to our podcasts. We are here because when times were tough we found ways to reengage each other and build a stronger marriage.

    God bless you and your husband. Please do not hesitate to contact us again if you need anything.

    -Tony

  4. Great work here, Tony and Alisa. I would say that if there's one key desire by all of our work with Courageous Loving is to really teach people (including ourselves) how to move beyond reactivity, and how to do it QUICKLY! I commend you for handling this important topic.
    Michael Sherman – http://www.CourageousLovingNation.com

  5. Michael, it's a struggle to move past reacting to connecting, especially we want things “our” way. I give Tony a lot of credit for having the courage to say something to me when I am not always the most receptive. I think that we have experienced a lot of growth working together on ONE. It's definitely not always easy working with your spouse but it has deepened our connection to one another like nothing else. Thank you for your encouragement.

    Alisa

  6. Alisa & Tony,

    Thank you for your thoughts, advice,… and the idea that God can use adversity to build up a marriage. I have only thought of conflict as breaking a marriage down. My husband and I had a chance to talk more and it was definitely a start in the right direction. Although deep communication hasn't been a priority, I believe, we both still feel we have a strong marriage. Maybe we are even being attacked, like you have mentioned. We hope to continue working on my feelings of insecurity and my husband's need for more support and encouragement.

  7. Julie,

    I am so glad to hear that you and your husband are making the time to work on your marriage. It's great that the two of you have been able to identify what you are both needing/missing. It sounds like you both are realizing that communication needs to be a bigger priority for your marriage. Continue to pray for strength as you go through this season in your marriage.

    Alisa

  8. This was my first time listening to your podcast. Really enjoyed it and was encouraged by your transparency in working through “one of those weeks.” I have the opportunity to teach a lot of marriage seminars and will begin putting your website as a resource for their growth and enjoyment.

    Press On!
    Mike

  9. Mike – Thank you for joining us here at ONE. We appreciate your feedback and happy that you enjoyed our podcast. It is truly one of the highlights of our week when we get to sit down and let you know what's happening in our marriage. I hope you get the chance to listen to more of them in the future.

    I can't thank you enough for adding us as a resource for those that you teach in your marriage seminars. We are honored to apart of that.

    Blessings.

    Tony

  10. I have been listening to the podcasts and just finished this one… I fould it a bit frustrating to listen to, though, because even though it's about being able to admit our own mistakes and faults, there were several instances where Alisa was trying to express to Tony something that he had done, but he vehemently would deny it (such as when she said that she was hesitant to go back to acupuncture because he didn't like the high medical bills, and he immediately denied it, saying he was talking about OTHER bills. That may be true, but perhaps she didn't have that impression. Or, when Alisa tried to mention that she might have felt there was a disconnect between them on both sides, and Tony said, 'not me! it was all you!')

    It felt as if Tony were trying to make Alisa look more at fault by dwelling on the minutae of everything she did. And she would acknowledge it. And then he would have ten more things to remind her of what she had done this week. Then she would admit fault again, and say he was right again. Then he asked for the reason she had been this way, and she said that there was a lot of pressure from multitasking and that she didn't deal well this week. That's pretty valid- we're all human and there might not necessarily be a reason that people crack under pressure once in a while. But Tony pressured her for a 'better' reason than that- so Alisa finally 'pulled the PMS card.'

    Tony also would not acknowledge that Alisa thought they had different multitasking styles. He became so occupied with this that there was one point in the podcast where Alisa had moved on from the multitasking subject and was talking about the difficulties she had with something- Tony's first comment was “well I think I multitask as well as you do!” Geez, have a supportive comment or two, man!

    I'm sorry if I sound upset- I am speaking out of frustration. This is also the perspective of an outsider, so it could be way off the mark.

  11. Bonnie,

    I am going to go back and re-listen to the audio. You bring up some valid concerns and I want to hear what we sounded like during the exchange. As for the “PMS card”, I do suffer from PMS and it does very much affect my moods and attitudes. Tony knows this. I know during this particular episode that I hadn't planned on bringing it up because people (both men and women) have very strong opinions on whether or not PMS is real. In my case it is and Tony was pushing me to admit that.

    I will try and listen tomorrow and respond with more details.

    Alisa

    • You know we don’t have anything here on different date nights, but this is a great idea. I’ll see who has some good sites out there on Date Nights and add them to the Resource page. Alisa and I will also try and add what we have done in the past. Thanks for the suggestion Samantha.

  12. I realize it has been more than a year since you posted this pod-cast, but I only recently found you through the 2nd Annual 7 Day Challenge and am working my way through your pod-casts, starting at the beginning! I really appreciate how you are open about your own weaknesses in your relationship.

    The one phrase that struck me most in this pod-cast was your reference to the “I feel” statement. I am glad that my husband and I took a class on marriage communication early in our marriage (more than twenty years ago) and we learned about this. Since I haven’t been through all of your pod-casts yet, I’m not sure if you elaborate on this later or not, but it might be something to consider. I know it has improved communication in our marriage.

    I’m not sure that Tony is really multitasking the same as Alisa, since men and women are “hardwired” differently, but if he thinks he is, that’s his opinion. If you haven’t already, I suggest you watch the series “Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage” by Mark Gungor, he talks about the issue of multitasking, and lots of other useful things!

    Well, I’m on to the next one, since I have another sixty or so to get through!

    Thanks again.