075: I’M FINISHED…I WANT OUT

It’s been a week where it feels like all we have heard about marriages in trouble, conversations with friends who are making life-changing decisions, emails from listeners about to call it quits.

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Separation and divorce have been something we’ve been hearing a lot about lately.

While this is not a topic that is easy to talk about we felt like it was necessary for us to do so.

Fortunately for all of us, a long time listener wrote us an amazing email walking us through his journey and the advice that he would give so that others don’t have to go down this same path.

Question Behind the Question by John Miller

Stripped Down Book, eBook, or Audio Book

Remember back to your wedding day. We’re not talking about just the ceremony and reception. We want you to remember how you felt. Your marriage was going to last forever. You were sure of that. And then…reality set in. You think you can deal with it, and maybe you can – for a while. You still love your spouse, but it’s just not the same. Is it just a part of life? Do you let that fire die into just a smoldering pile of ashes? You don’t have to!

Grab Stripped Down: 13 Keys to Unlocking Intimacy in Your Marriage today!

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8 thoughts on “075: I’M FINISHED…I WANT OUT

  1. Hi Alisa & Tony:

    Very tough topic this week. So glad you tackled it though. I too am one whose marriage had to come to a crisis point before I became serious about continuously building up my wife, my marriage and my children.

    My heart aches for all of the couples out there who have reached the ‘point of no return’ or are on the road to that point. I am so thankful that you are out there making a difference and showing a better way!

    It’s so awesome that you mentioned QBQ this week! That book is one of the things that helped us put our marriage back together once I realized that it had fallen on the rocks. It helped me to avoid getting stuck in the ‘why me?’ and ‘whose fault is it?’ traps and move on to ‘what can I do to make it right?’ path.

    Have an awesome week you two!

    — Aaron

  2. My wife and I both came from prior marriages where our spouses left, and I just want to tell anyone who is facing divorce to do anything and everything in their power to to save your marriage(I know this isn’t always an option), ESPECIALLY when there are children involved. My wife and I have experienced a lot of heartache and attacks on our marriage and children’s lives. We both truly understand why statistically second marriages fail, there are so many unexpected things we were not ready for. If not for God in our lives and the commitment we made prior to getting married to eliminate divorce from our vocabulary we may have been one of those statistics. On a happy note though, we recently celebrated our ten year anniversary, very happily I might add, on one hand that the first 10 years is now behind us and on the second hand looking forward to the next ten years 🙂

    Thanks for the podcast, I look forward to listening every week.

    Steve

  3. Hi Alisa & Tony and the ONE community:

    Thank you for tackling what I am sure was a draining topic to cover. Kudos to you!

    My husband and I have been to hell and back in our 5 short years of marriage. In our short marriage we have faced:

    1) Physical Infidelity
    2) Emotional Infidelity
    3) Financial Infidelity
    4) SEVERE Mental Illness (including Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, and Schizoaffective disorder)
    5) Numerous job losses (10 jobs in 3 years)
    6) Bankruptcy

    Statistics show that when a marriage is faced with just one of these issues the results are often times divorce. Divorce rate for marriages facing Bipolar Disorder is a staggering 90%. Needless to say we spent about a year in complete hell and misery.

    “More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.” Doug Larson

    In this podcast there was mention of “when a spouse won’t grow up” when trying to work on your marriage. Due to my husband’s Bipolar Disorder I felt like I was facing this on a daily basis. My encouragement to other couples out there is to not underestimate the power of prayer. In my experience prayer is not just about asking God to intervene in your marriage. It is more about stepping our of our own selfishness and opening your heart to your creator and bringing your marriage before the throne. In the end prayer not only softened the heart of my husband, but it also allowed my broken heart to heal.

    Quite a journey it has been! I firmly believe the same God that brought our marriage out of that darkness can do the same for your marriage.

    Blessings to you all,

    Jeff and Sara Anderson
    http://www.thebipolarmarriage.com

  4. This must be a depressing topic to have to tackle so soon after the Seven Days of Sex Challenge.

    It does need to be talked about though. I have never had a divorce, our 20th Anniversary is this month, but I am a child of multiple divorces. My mother was living with the man who would become her fourth husband by the time I was 19 years old. It’s one reason I didn’t get married until I was 30.

    When my wife and I got married our number one prayer was that our children would have what neither of us had. One set of parents, their actual mother and father, for their whole lives.

    Times have been rough in the past. Our 9th and 10th Anniversary’s passed by us ignored, because things were so bad back then, but here we are now looking at our 20th and our marriage is stronger than it’s ever been.

    Joseph

  5. Good Afternoon DiLorenzo’s and the ONE Community.

    I have been listening to the pod cast for a while now and I have changed since listening. My husband and I have seen our difficulties starting with physical disabilty that led to financial issues. My husband had been married once before and when he talks to the kids about the divorce he tells them that he takes 100% responsibility for the divorce, but that his ex wife should also. Marriage is not 50/50 marriage is 100/100. I know you have said that before. My husband has made me into an emotional girl. I used to stuff all emotions and feelings. Now I talk to my husband about everything and if there is tension between us we talk about it to clear the air. When my husband and I started talking about starting our relationship one of the things that was covered was that divorce was not an option…..EVER….. This was brought up the other night in a conversation that we had to clear the air. I had been very self conscious about everything and he reitterated that we are not giving up. the only thing that will separate us is death. That helped me out tons. It is great that you are opening up and being transparent for all who listen. I am going to recommend this podcast to a friend of mine who I belive will benefit from it.

    Thank you so much for making these available.

    I love listening to ya’ll.

    Keep it up.

  6. Listened to this again… probably for the fourth time. It’s just over 3 months being separated… it is really a good listen. At times I wished we could have worked things out, now that time has passed I realize that perhaps this separation is the way things were meant to be. I no longer have to worry about lines being crossed, hurt feelings, waiting for her to jump in and fight for our marriage. I like that I only have to worry about myself and my kids. Things are getting better, slowly…

    • Randy, I’m glad you could find some solstice in the episode. We’ve been talking since this all went down and I got to say that I’m proud of how well you’ve been getting through it. I know it has been difficult many times along the way, but you have found the silver lining in the process. Keep up all that you are doing and know that I am here when you need someone.

      Blessings.

  7. I want to share my comment to let everyone know there is always hope, marriages can survive and our story is testimony to that.

    So here is our story

    In September we celebrated our 16 year Anniversary. But It has been no easy feet on our part.
    Our kids are 12, 11, almost 6 and 2. We have a crazy household.

    When our older two kids were younger my husband had a porn addiction, he spent money on it, he looked at it often. I was told by a lot of people he was cheating on me, even though he now says he never was, the porn still hurt in many ways. We had 2 kids under 2 and I also believe I was battling some sort of ppd. Our money was out of control, two kids in day care lots of bills adding up. This continued for a few years. I asked if we could do counseling, and he didn’t think we needed it. I eventually started seeking attention elsewhere. I met a guy online. He made me feel good about myself. I eventually met him. My husband and I “split” up. We surrendered our house in bankruptcy, I moved in to my mom’s and he started renting a place. I ended up getting pregnant with this other mans child. (Hence our 6 year old) He ended up buying some hookers why we were apart, eventually telling me when we were in a better place. So here we are, messed up relationship, I am having another mans baby. We finally started counseling. We had been at the same church we were married in and started with our pastor. Something changed with both of us. We were both ready to fight for our family because that is what we all deserved. To keep our family unit. To be where God wanted us. My husband stepped up, forgave me for having this child, made the decision to raise him as his own and for us to be a family. I made the decision to forgive him for all the porn and hurt I had felt over the years.

    Right now, our 6 year olds “father” lives 12 hours away and has chosen to not be a part of his life.

    So here we are 6 years and another baby later we use this as a testimony that marriage can survive anything if you both want it to.