One of you wants sex all the time, one of you not so much-what’s wrong with this picture?


You are just like the rest of us, dealing with differing levels of desire within your marriage.

What’s a couple to do? Spend some time today learning about high desire and low desire and it’s impact on your marriage.

Be aware that all couples face this and it impacts more than just what happens in the bedroom.

There’s nothing wrong with differing levels of desire, what can make or break your marriage is how you deal with this.

Once you acknowledge the reality of differing desire you can learn to accept your spouse for who they are and create the marriage that you want with this information.

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Other Resources:

Strategic Coaching Session with Alisa

Intimacy & Desire

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  1. Concerning that the LD spouse being in control of sex. That was so true for most out our marriage. I, the husband am HD, and my wife is LD. The only time she even thinks about sex is when she is actually having sex. It frustrated me to no end for years. (we have been married for over 20 years)

    I got so frustrated, after we were married about 10 years, that I told myself that I wasn’t going to initiate any more. We went two years without sex when I did that. It got me so upset that my anger was stronger than my desire to have sex.

    I used to preemptively surrender when it came to sex because I knew that her answer would always be “no” to sex unless a pushed for it. When we were having sex it might be 4 times a year.

    It took about 17 years for my wife to finally click in that this was very bad for our marriage. She felt bad about how it was making me feel. She finally saw how it was driving me nuts. After intense “discussions” (fights?) and totally opening up to each other it came out that she always wanted, needed, to be pursued and have me always be the initiator for two reasons.
    1) She doesn’t seem to have a sex drive unless she is actually engaged in sex.
    2) She “Loves It” when I am in control, when I “take” from her what I need or want. My being all “cave man” on her turns her on.

    So, what she did is hand over the sexual reigns over to me. She promised to never turn me down ever again. She agreed that she would have sex with me no matter when, where or what I wanted. When she did this she said that it felt like a heavy weight was lifted off of her shoulders as she no longer had to be worried about us having sex, disappointing me, or having me get in very bad moods because of her rejections.

    This change didn’t just happen over night, as we both had to learn how to make it happen in reality, but it did happen. I am not “cave man” all the time, but I am assertive, in control, every time we have sex and this turns her on.

    Yes, like Tony says, it can be very tiring to be the one who always initiates, but sex now works for us, so I just have to remember what it used to be like and that helps me to accept a wife who never initiates.

    I think of the verse that says to live with your spouse “in an understanding way” and we now both understand how her sexuality works, what turns her on. Our sex life is better and our marriage is better because of it.

    • WOW! Thank you both for sharing what has and hasn’t worked in your marriage over the years. We give both of you credit for not giving up on each other during those dark years. It would have been so easy, but instead after 17 years you began to communicate your sex life. It’s amazing what can happen in our marriages when we talk about sex and what we enjoy about it in our marriage.

      Keep it up, both emotional & sexual intimacy, and enjoy the marriage you have build.


  2. Hi Guys,

    I was just listening to podcast 112 so I thought I would add this update.

    A day or two after I posted the above my wife and I had a conversation which resulted in an epiphany for me in understanding my wife’s sexuality.

    In our conversation my wife was totally in tears. She had been holding this back, for years, and not wanting to tell me.

    I had to understand that she really needed a husband who would take control in our sexual relationship. One who would be the initiator, not give up when she showed no interest.
    When it comes to priorities sex is way down the list for her, below Facebook even.

    As she put it, “sex is all about you”.
    What she meant was that sex is very low on her priority list, and even though she is multi-orgasmic, she gets her greatest pleasure in pleasing me and seeing me enjoy myself with her. She want’s me to be “sexually selfish” since she will have lots of orgasms no matter what I do, but her greatest desire, when it comes to sex, is to see me get pleasure from her and her body.

    The reason we had the “sex is all about you” talk is because as I have gotten older (I am 51) having an orgasm is more difficult for me. I often don’t have an orgasm when we have sex now. In her mind that made sex a failure since in her mind it was all about me, not her. I had to make it very clear to her that I love giving her orgasm’s even though I might not have one. (thought that is very frustrating).

    So, I have had to wrap my mind around her statement that “sex is all about you”, as I find this hard to understand. Though it does fit in with her erotic identity. She wants me totally in control in our sex life. She gets the most sexual satisfaction that way. She has said that it’s like a huge weight was lifted off of her shoulders when she handed the sexual reigns over to me and she never had to worry about having to initiate sex, or worry about her automatic reaction of saying “no” anytime I wanted sex.

    I had to learn to cultivate, and find in myself, the erotic identity of being in control of our sex life. Do I wish she were a sexual minx who stalked me at every turn? Yes I do. Having to be the initiator all the time can get tiring. However that is not her way and is a complete opposite of her sexual, and erotic identity.

    So like 1st Peter 3:7 says I have had to learn to live with her in an understanding way.

    The result. I never have to worry about having a wife who will turn me down anymore and we have the best sex life we have ever had. Plus we have grown closer outside of the bedroom as well.