Your brain can and does impact your marriage.


Those negative thoughts and positive thoughts that play in your mind will determine the outcome of how you react to your spouse.

These thoughts play like a broken record and can stop you from taking action to better your marriage.

The power of your words come after the but. My Marriage is Great But…

When you use a BUT in your sentence you only focus on what comes after the BUT.  This could be a positive or negative statement-unfortunately it’s mostly negative.

It’s time to take control of what comes after the BUT in that sentence.

It’s time to rewrite your story.  

Starting today you are going to make a conscious decision to focus on the positives and rewrite the future.  You will be amazed at what you can accomplish when you set out to change the ending of the story by changing what you say.

Train Your Brain

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10 thoughts on “146: MY MARRIAGE IS GREAT BUT…

  1. The biggest thing that hit me with this pod cast was that our unconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between reality and fiction.

    It explains why it’s so important that we watch what we use to feed our mind. It explains why negative thinking, I.E. “Self-fulling Prophesy”, is so damaging. It explains why pornography can be so damaging.
    It explains how important positive thinking is in our life.

    I think one of the most damaging stories we can play in our minds are those we play about ourselves. I don’t tend to think many negative thoughts about Jean any more, but I do think them about myself and Jean thinks them about herself. (She can be a perfectionist and if she doesn’t measure up in her own mind she puts herself down and often gives up)

    As a glass-half-empty kind of guy this was very important for me to hear.

    Thank you guys!

    • You are tracking with us completely Joseph. Do you remember the saying, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste”? This was used for anti-drug campaigns and yet this should be something each of us thinks about daily.

      It is so amazing the capacity of our brains and how it can affect us on a daily level. I believe that positive reinforcement each day about our marriage will do wonders as we grow in our marriages.

      Glad you enjoyed the show and thank again for sharing where you are in your life and marriage.

  2. Great show this week. I agree that the messages we tell ourselves have a powerful impact on our lives. Changing those scripts in our mind can make a big difference.

    I think one of the reasons people may preface talking to you (or others) about problems in their marriage by saying that it’s great is that too many people tend to jump to the extreme negatives. I especially see this online — someone posts a question about a small negative thing in their relationship and everyone starts saying, “Break up with / divorce them!” So I see it as a kind of hedge: “Whatever advice you’re going to give me about this, know that I don’t need an extreme solution.”

    • Jessica – You always have a great perspective! I would agree with you that online folks are quick to go to the extreme. We’ve seen this as we’ve been out there.

      Interesting enough lots of the conversations both of us had were face to face. There was even one time when Alisa was presenting to a group and she mentioned she was there to help couples to grow together.

      I think that most go to the worst case scenario like you said. Learning how to change those scripts in our conscious mind will help folks see the good that is going on in their marriage.

      Thanks again.

  3. This was a really great episode. It is amazing how often you two bring the exact message I want or need to hear.

    A little story: The other night I was lying in bed and hating on my husband because of a minor criticism.

    I just thought: this is pointless and I don’t want to feel like this. So I took up the challenge of writing down five reasons I am grateful for my marriage. I read them and re-read them and then emailed them to my sleeping husband.

    It was amazing how quickly I calmed down and how much better I felt.

    I just need to learn to do this on the fly. You know during those momments when I do my problematic behavior of breaking down at the slightest criticism.

    I feel like a lot of what you said about how we teach our subconscious could help me address this.

    Anyways, long story short, I think you guys are really doing a great job and you really hit home with this episode.

    • Thank yo so much Sara for sharing what transpired in your marriage the other night. That is awesome that you got up, made that list, read over it, and then sent it to your husband.

      You had two options that evening. Sit there in bed and let you conscious mind ramble on or take action. We’re so glad that you took action in the case. You not only made a change in you, but I’m sure your husband was appreciative of the list when he saw it the next day.

      We’re so blessed to have you as a listener and we truly appreciate you sharing how the show is impacting you and your marriage.

      Love you guys.

  4. Hi Tony and Alisa
    This podcast made a huge impression on me. After 31 years of marriage I believe that the tough times have actually made our marriage stronger as neither of us ever considered divorce an option. Your podcasts are a blessing because you are so natural about sharing the personal and the everyday issues in your marriage.
    I’d like to just mention that saying ” I have a great marriage … because (instead of the but) ….” This way seems to flow so much more positively.
    You two are doing a wonderful job – keep it up, Doreen

    • Hey Doreen,

      Thank you so much for letting us know that this show touched you. Yes, the tough times do make us stronger in our marriage if we allow for growth to happen.

      Your kind words about how Tony & I share us and our marriage is much appreciated. We love you guys so much that we know if we are willing to share then you will be able to do it in your marriage.

      I’d love to know your answer to this, “I have a great marriage because ______________.”

      Love you guys.