165: CUDDLE UP

Cuddling up with your spouse after a great love making session can do wonders for both of you.

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Your skin is the largest organ on your body and when it is in contact with your spouse’s skin it can do wonders for your marriage.

The act of cuddling with your spouse releases the hormone oxytocin, “the feel-good hormone”, which can lead to overall happiness.

Cuddling can also release endorphins, which are the same hormones that are released during a good workout.

This week Tony & Alisa share how the act of cuddling, which was prevalent in their early years of marriage, has faded over time. They get to the root of why cuddling has faded over time and what they are going to do to get more cuddling in after sex.

Cuddle Positions

Intimacy Ignited

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6 thoughts on “165: CUDDLE UP

  1. Great job on this episode guys!

    This comment is in regards to the callers question about oral sex.

    Since the callers wife thinks that God wouldn’t have her to do this I want to write this rather lengthy comment on what the Bible DOES say about it. And keep in mind, I come from the more extreme, fundamental, hardcore side of Christianity (Independent Fundamental Baptist) so if it’s OK with my “denomination” it’s OK pretty much everywhere else, except maybe Mennonites and Amish :)… The LORD knows I’ve had my disagreements with Tony and Alisa doctrinally but not here. You guys are 100% spot on, perfectly in the middle of the bulls eye, and I’d like to elaborate a little.

    You see, in my marriage of 13 years my wife and I have had some issues. 3+ years on consecutive sexlessness in our early years of marriage, and currently back there due to her health is just one of our challenges. Oral sex was another, but when she finally woke up and saw what the Bible said about it she started gratefully and cheerfully performing it on me, not to completion, but hey, ya take what you can get.

    So I’d like to take this space and explain to the caller, and others who are confused in this area what the Bible really does say about it. And a warning to the caller, many women use the phrase “I don’t think this is what God wants” as a goto card when they just simply don’t want to do something. I’m not saying this is where your wife is but this is exactly where mine was. So what does the Bible say anyways?

    1 Corinthians 7:1-5 “Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. (1) Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. (2) The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. (3) Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and (4) come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”

    Oh there’s a lot there. Let’s start off with #1.. It’s called spousal duty. Now I, as many feel terrible about “duty sex” but God commands it for the specific reason of #4 that Satan doesn’t get you tempted because you’re not being fulfilled at home. #2 states that our bodies don’t belong to us but to our spouses. This is where the “no denial” clause comes in. Now obviously sickness, etc… but if it’s just “I don’t wanna” then it’s not biblical. And who can forget #3? That word defraud literally means to keep back by FRAUD. So unless it’s sickness, prayer or fasting you’re committing fraud against your spouse and God by not making love to your spouse when requested. Ok, let’s move on.

    Hebrews 13:4 “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.”

    The Marriage Bed (sex) is valuable, honourable, precious. Also note that it is honourable in ALL. God puts no limits on sex within marriage and I’ll show you that.

    Song of Solomon 2:3-6 “As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love. Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples: for I am sick of love. His left hand is under my head, and his right hand doth embrace me.”

    This is the wife speaking of her husband. The language couldn’t be more explicit. Notice that the wife did this with great delight, it wasn’t a chore or a duty. His fruit was sweet to her taste… This is completing the act, letting the husband ejaculate into her mouth even with his hand under her head and embracing her. We’ll cover this swallowing also.

    Song of Solomon 4:11-16 (Husband speaking to Wife) “Thy lips, O my spouse, drop as the honeycomb: honey and milk are under thy tongue; and the smell of thy garments is like the smell of Lebanon. A garden inclosed is my sister, my spouse; a spring shut up, a fountain sealed. Thy plants are an orchard of pomegranates, with pleasant fruits; camphire, with spikenard, Spikenard and saffron; calamus and cinnamon, with all trees of frankincense; myrrh and aloes, with all the chief spices: A fountain of gardens, a well of living waters, and streams from Lebanon. (Wife speaking to Husband) Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.”

    Let’s break this down. The wife’s lips dropping is obviously speaking of motion. Notice that honey and milk are UNDER her tongue. This is a perfect word picture of semen. If you were to mix honey and milk together you would have the consistency, color, flavor and even nutritional value of semen and it’s under her tongue. Again, she finishes the act, he ejaculates into her mouth and the word “under” in the Hebrew literally means the human instrument of eating… She swallowed. Sorry if that grosses you out ladies but it’s the Bible.

    Now, the second half describes the female anatomy and the husband bringing the wife to orgasm orally and again the term “eat” is used. Most guys really don’t have a problem in this area, as the caller noted, neither does he.

    Song of Solomon 8:1-3 “O that thou wert as my brother, that sucked the breasts of my mother! when I should find thee without, I would kiss thee; yea, I should not be despised. I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.”

    Now not only does this verse speak of the mothers duty to instruct her daughter but notice the wife causes the husband to drink of her juices… again the phrase of hand under head and embracing.

    Song of Solomon 5:1 “I am come into my garden, my sister, my spouse: I have gathered my myrrh with my spice; I have eaten my honeycomb with my honey; I have drunk my wine with my milk: eat, O friends; drink, yea, drink abundantly, O beloved.”

    Clearly God is urging us to eat and drink of our spouses bodies, when He says “eat, O friends; drink, yea, drink abundantly” He is instructing US. The example is in the beginning of the verse and the command is in the last part of the verse. He is portraying the act of Oral Sex as both natural, like eating and drinking, and a joyful expression of love, passion and sexual sharing between a husband and his wife. There is nothing more intimate than sharing and drinking the “water of life” from your spouse, and God says to do it “abundantly”

    The spilling of seed has always been an affront to God. The husband’s semen should not exit the wife’s body once it’s inside, to do otherwise or to ejaculate outside of your wife’s body is what God refers to as spilling seed. In the Bible, Onan was struck dead by God for this sin:

    Genesis 38:8-10 “And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother’s wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother. And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.”

    Onan’s sin was in “pulling out” of his new wife during sex and ejaculating outside of his wife’s body, more specifically, on the ground. It’s true that Onan didn’t want the responsibility or fathering children, but Onan knew what the levitical law said about spilling seed. Seed should never be wasted and it’s an affront to God when it is. Heading over to Leviticus we find the following.

    Leviticus 15:16-17 “And if any man’s seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall wash all his flesh in water, and be unclean until the even. And every garment, and every skin, whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be washed with water, and be unclean until the even.”

    It’s unclean! Notice, if the seed is spilled on skin, you are unclean, brethren God doesn’t want you unclean, He wants you clean and pure. He considered Onan’s sin so severe He stuck him dead. Onan could have completely avoided the “death penalty” and avoided impregnating his new wife at the same time by having her fellate him and then swallow his semen. Performing Oral Sex to completion and then spitting out your husband’s semen almost seems unthinkable as it would be spilling his seed.

    Jeremiah 2:13 “For my people have committed two evils; they have forsaken me the fountain of living waters, and hewed them out cisterns, broken cisterns, that can hold no water.”

    Song of Solomon 4:15 “A fountain of gardens, a well of living waters, and streams from Lebanon.”

    Proverbs 5:15 “Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well.”

    The words “living waters” and “waters” in the preceding three verses are the exact same Hebrew word: מַיִם mayim – dual of a primitive noun (but used in a singular sense); water; figuratively, juice; by euphemism, SEMEN.

    Living waters is exactly what it implies… Semen. In Jeremiah we see that forsaking the fountain of “semen” also found in the Song of Solomon talking to the wife, is evil. In proverbs we’re told to drink “semen” out of thine own cistern. That DOES NOT mean the man is supposed to drink his own semen. Remember, 1 Corinthians 7:4 “The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” When you get married you become ONE flesh. Ah, the meaning of ONE! 🙂 That verse in proverbs simple says wives, drink of your husbands, and husbands, drink your wives. It’s not an option, it’s a command.

    Let me anonymously share with you what a Christian lady told my wife not long ago. They were doing some lady to lady counseling / brainstorming and the subject of “marital relations” came up. This lady has what we’d all refer to as a “perfect marriage” so my wife simply asked this lady what her thoughts were on Oral Sex. Keep in mind she didn’t even ask this lady about the “finishing act” This lady said: “Nothing makes my husband happier during oral sex than me WANTING him to ejaculate in my mouth and swallow it. It’s such a little thing, really. Even if I didn’t enjoy it, I think I would still do it – it’s literally a 10 second deal. The benefits are so worth it.”

    Wow! What an attitude to approach Oral Sex with. Notice she said “Even if I didn’t enjoy it”. She implies that:
    1. She does enjoy it and
    2. Even if she didn’t she’d still do it. Would to God more wives (and husbands) had that attitude.

    Please ladies, take her words to heart and don’t spit out your husband’s semen, don’t make him spill his seed outside your body. It is sin to do so. I’ve gone into great detail here because it’s a real prevalent problem in our Christian marriages today. It pains me to see the world freely enjoying and gloating in something God has given to us with their ungodly friends, yet the Christians that are supposed to be an example to the world, don’t enjoy this great pleasure. God help us!

    Here’s a touchy issue… Anal sex. The Bible must be against that right?

    Titus 1:15 “Unto the pure all things are pure: but unto them that are defiled and unbelieving is nothing pure; but even their mind and conscience is defiled.”

    Hebrews 13:4 “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.”

    We are to abstain from immoral sex. The Bible indicates the following are sin:

    fornication/unmarried sex (Galatians 5:19, 1 Corinthians 7:2 & 36)
    adultery (Exodus 20:14, Matthew 5:27)
    homosexuality (Leviticus 18:22 , Romans 1:26-27)
    bestiality (Leviticus 18:23 & 20:15-16)
    prostitution (Leviticus 19:29, Deuteronomy 23:17, Proverbs 23:27, 1 Corinthians 6:15-16)
    incest (Leviticus 18:6)

    Notice, nowhere is anal sex mentioned, in fact short of it being talked about as an act between homosexuals the Bible is totally silent on the issue.

    Only go as far as the most conservative spouse right Alisa…

    Another book I’d recommend on top of Tony and Alisa’s suggestion is “When Risque is OK” by Pastor Clint Caviness. Get it and read it together. Tony, I’ll let you put your affiliate link in if you want because I have no idea how to :).

    Sorry this was a long comment but I was compelled to write this when I heard the caller. I’ve been there and I could here the frustration in your voice. Brother, there is hope and it’s 100% OK to pray about it. God would be pleased to hear a prayer like that. It means you aren’t afraid to share ANYTHING with Him.

    Please pray for my wife that she will heal physically and be able to enjoy being intimate again.

    Thank you Tony and Alisa for all you do.

  2. I loved the comment above. Now, I’m going to have to start praying ( I know its lame I never thought of praying about this) because… I’m willing and want to be able to complete the act of oral sex, but so far in 13 years of marriage I have been unable to finish. We are talking more now about it, because i think I have fears of failing (not bc my husband would be upset but bc Im afraid of failing) and so i come off and never really try to finish. Things like gag reflex is another issue I need to overcome, and third I just dont know what I am doing. Its not like anyone has ever given me lessons and my husband was my first everything. Maybe through talking and him telling what works and isnt working will be the new way to success. Some people make it sound so easy, yet I feel like it is such a failed aspect of our bedroom.

    • If I didn’t know better I’d swear you were my wife 🙂 Though she understands it Biblically she can’t bring herself to finishing the act either. I pray for her all the time and this is just one of the things I pray for. God knows us more intimately than our spouse and He knows your desires, sometimes He is just waiting for you to vocalize those desires. I’ll pay for your marriage and this situation specifically.

      • Thanks. I’m also talking to him more as well. Asking him to help know what’s working or not. Getting past the gagging and learning to breathe. H is never offended and always patient. It’s just something I really want to be able to do for him. I am.. We are praying as well.

        • I defiantly applaud your determination and desire. That and that alone is going above and beyond a typical marriage and in my opinion is one thing that constitutes an extraordinary marriage.