Masturbation in marriage can have a profound impact on your sexual intimacy.


When masturbating in private without your spouse you are diminishing the joy of sex with your spouse.

If you are masturbating in your marriage and your spouse does not know you are doing this it’s time to have a state of our marriage conversation.

You need to take off the masks and acknowledge what’s going on in your sex life.

On the other hand masturbating together can add to your marriage bed. This is where you learn what pleases each other by showing your spouse.

This week Tony & Alisa share how masturbation has negatively and positively impacted them in their marriage.

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10 thoughts on “191: MASTURBATION

  1. Hello, I just listened to your podcast this morning. I was happy to see that this topic is being talked about. Because it has just been recently that we have been discussing masturbation in our marriage. Several months ago I began doing this on my own, however I had not told my husband, I have recently talked to him about this. We have decided before even hearing your podcast this is not something that I should be doing, especially because we began finding it harder for him to give me and orgasm bc I already had.. We talked about why I started this, and it’s because I happened upon it. I was a virgin Iwhen came to my marriage and IM the high desire spouse. So I thought maybe With my newfound discovery I could take off the stress of always asking for sex, by doing it myself at times during the week. Since that time since we’ve been more open with our relationship and have been really working on our marriage and on our intimacy, I felt safe and able to discuss this with my husband. We understand that this is not something I should do without him. I have now been talking to him about scheduling sex. Which I think was such a brilliant plan on your part, and am excited that will now be a new aspect of our marriage. The only thing left about masturbation, is he and I are discussing whether or not this is okay for me to do in the shower when I am on my period. I get a huge stress relief when I am able to do this for myself in the shower during that time of the month. I feel much more at ease emotionally and I feel better able to handle that week when I have done this a few times during the week. We are discussing this because we are unsure if this is okay for me to do. On one aspect I feel this is okay because since he was my first everything I don’t have a hard time visualizing only him when I’m doing this. But on the other aspect it also feels wrong but I can’t decide if that is because of the stigma of masturbation, for good reason, but we are praying about this so that we can make the best decision for our marriage and for our intimacy. And I believe God will show us what’s right. Thank you for bringing up such a hard topic to talk about, but knowing all about one extraordinary marriage I know that there’s nothing that is too blushingly real that you won’t talk about. This podcast helped me this morning work through some more perspective on what I am going through, and what we are going through. God bless!

    • I don’t think I can say if the period shower time is right or wrong, but my wife sometimes feels lousy during that same time, and I can perform certain acts (using hands) to help relieve some of that lousy feeling.

      Perhaps that option will work for you guys?

      FWIW She uses a Diva cup which keeps the period stuff at bay so it’s no real issue to touch the more external areas to do this.

      • Hey! That was a great comment! I have used those cups before but they were expensive and I stopped getting them. But now I think I have even more reason to get them again. Telling my husband was hard but he was sweet and understanding and didn’t condemn or criticize. We are working through it. Admitting what I did was hard- even anonymously. thanks for commenting and not making me feel like I am disgusting for saying I am struggling with this during girl time.

    • We are cheering for you! Yeah to you for stepping out and sharing what was going on for you and your marriage. Thank you for trusting us with you.

      An option that may also work for you guys while you are on your period is masturbating while your husband is in the shower with you. This is a time that both of you are together and the joy for him may be there as well.

      He has the option to touch you in other sensual ways during this time. Most importantly it is something the both of you are doing together.

      Love you guys.

  2. As a high-desire husband with a Very-Low-desire wife, I had to chuckle during parts of this podcast. Given that my wife and I have sex on average about once every 2 months or so (our bedroom is a “rejection zone”), I would go completely crazy between sexual episodes it it weren’t for the release I get from masturbation. I would be a total basket-case pervert by the time she finally got in the mood enough for sex, and it SURE wouldn’t last very long when we finally did it! It seems easy for you to say ” Don’t masturbate without your spouse” when y’all are having sex twice almost every week, but, as you alluded to when you joked about Tony exploding if he had to go without sex for two weeks, it’s extremely hard for a high desire person to go without any kind of sexual release for an extended period of time. I know that whenever I’ve tried to forego masturbation for more than a week or so, my brain becomes so obsessed with sexual thoughts that I can barely concentrate on work or anything else enough get anything done! And I’ve talked to my wife about trying some mutual masturbation during the in-between times, but she just thinks that’s gross and creepy. So what’s a guy to do??

    I do understand that the focus of this podcast was not geared to a somewhat troubled relationship like mine, that you intended this more towards couples with healthier relationships, but I do wish you had taken some time in the podcast to adress the fact that “only doing it together” is not realistic or feasible in all cases., and maybe offered some advice for those of us that aren’t so lucky to have the intimacy lifestyle you have.

    • Hey Kevin,

      Thanks for your input on this show. As you stated this was geared toward a wife who found her husband masturbating & what they could do. It wasn’t intended for a situation that you have shared with us.

      From what you are sharing it sounds as if there are some underlying areas that can be addressed for all forms of intimacy. It’s rarely that the sexual intimacy is the only one holding a couple back from a deeper closeness.

      It would be great if the two of you would get on a free consultation call with Alisa, https://www.oneextraordinarymarriage.com/20minutes. During this call she looks at one challenge you both face in your marriage. Afterwards she can offer some options that can get you two moving forward so that you are not having sex every 2 months.

      Love you guys.

      • I really encourage you all to look into getting some coaching by Alisa. It is heart breaking to think couples out there are really only being intimate a handful if times a year. Marriage was not designed like that! I used to complain to my husband if it was not more than once or twice a week. But now intimacy lifestyle, as Tony suggests, helps with that but also if it’s not more than once a week it’s because there’s something else going on. Will pray for your wives to be willing to get help.