201: I’M SORRY

It is very easy after a confrontation with your spouse to say something like “Are we good?” and expect the issue to be resolved.


In other situations you may not say anything and just go about your business with this unfinished issue hanging around you and your spouse.

When you have many of these stacked one upon another there is going to be frustration and irritation in your marriage.

In this weeks show Tony & Alisa are going to discuss the importance of saying “I’m sorry” so that your spouse knows that you have not minimized, failed to acknowledge or brushed the issue under the rug.

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2 thoughts on “201: I’M SORRY

  1. Hi Tony and Alisa,
    I just finished listening to the “Sorry” episode and really felt moved to share with you how we do sorry in our family. I’d like to share with you why we do it the way we do and perhaps challenge you to consider trying it in your family and seeing if it doesn’t make a huge difference – as it did with us.
    In our family we teach our children standards through the terms of “Good”, “Better” and “Best”. In any situation, the minimum response required and expected is what we term “Good” (eg saying thank you when someone hands you something). “Better” is anything they can do or say that goes beyond this minimum standard (eg looking at the persons eyes and saying “thankyou – that is really appreciated”). “Best” is the standard we all are striving to achieve, where what we do and say goes way beyond the expected normal.
    I feel the same goes with the “Im Sorry” podcast. “Are we good” you could argue might be the “Good” response – maybe. Personally “are we good” feels more like “I don’t care enough about you to really engage with you over this, so can we just move on” Saying “I’m sorry” is “Better” but I’d like to challenge you on something I believe is “Best”
    In our family, we use “I’m Sorry” for instances where we’ve done something unintentional. For example, if I drop and break something that belongs to my wife, I’ll say “I’m sorry” because it was an innocent mistake and I didn’t mean to do it. Same goes if I bump into her accidentally or knock something out of her hands because I turned around too quickly. “I’m Sorry” is used for accidents.
    If I’ve made a choice to do something, out of frustration, anger, choice or whatever, where I’ve wronged her, then just saying “I’m sorry” isn’t the “Best”. It’s “Good”, but it’s not “Best”. What I’m about to tell you is hard, but it’s worth it. In our family, we say “I’m sorry for …. Would You Please Forgive Me?”
    The reason it’s so hard to do is because it’s humbling and it’s taking the power from the person doing the apologising and putting it in the hands of the person who has been wronged. Let’s face it, I’m sure if you’re honest, you’ve felt it yourself when something has happened and you’ve been wronged. The person who wronged you comes and says “I’m sorry” then walks off and you’re left feeling like a) they didn’t really mean it, or b) like there was still something missing. The thing that is missing is that they’re still retaining all the power in the situation and if you don’t immediately forgive them, then it’s your fault.
    When someone comes to you and says “I’m Sorry – Would You Please Forgive Me?” then it is now your choice to forgive them. In our family, we always accept a request for forgiveness, just as Christ Always forgives us when we ask for forgiveness. But it does give the person whose been wronged the chance to talk about it with them and to make things right properly.
    So I’d love to challenge you guys to “Best”. I’d like to challenge you to try this for a month and see what changes in the dynamic of your relationship and in your family it brings.
    Love you guys,
    Keep up the good works,
    Steve & Cheryl

    • Hey Steve & Cheryl,

      Thank you so very much to add to this conversation. After reading through your comment, what you are doing after the “Im Sorry” is spot on and makes a lot of sense. This last piece “Would you please forgive me?” give the one who has been hurt that opportunity to look at where they are and be able to extend forgiveness and grace.

      We will for sure be adding “Would you please forgive me?” for the next month and watch for the changes in the dynamic of our marriage as well as our family.

      Honored and humbled to have you as listeners.

      Love you guys.