There are a lot of articles out there that claim to provide you with all the information that you need to know on how to have great sex.

However, for some couples the hardest part is knowing how to initiate sex. You might often feel too tired, preoccupied, or even too busy to initiate sex regularly.

While some think that only having sex once in a blue moon is fine (or even desirable when compared to the opposite), not everyone feels this way.

Some marriages can even face seriously rough patches if one or both of the partners does not know how to initiate sex.

What you must understand is that sex is part of a healthy marriage. For many husbands and wives it makes them feel more desired, more loved, more confident, and less stressed.

So the next time you are ready to initiate sex, we can help you out. We have gathered a list of ways that you can use to initiate sex with your spouse.

21 Ways to Initiate Sex with Your Spouse

21. If you have never really tried foreplay before, try it the next time you feel frisky. Foreplay can include petting, kissing, hugging, or oral sex.

20. Speaking of oral sex, do not be afraid of it! Be sure to give and receive.

19. Send your spouse a text that tells them just how much you want them. 

18. Wear a bit of lingerie. 

17. Whenever your spouse starts to hint, say yes, enthusiastically. 

16. Try something new together. This could be role-play or just a new position. 

15. Give subtle hints to your spouse.

14. Write your spouse a sexy note

13. Undress your spouse.

12. Try out a new code to let the other know when you are in the mood. 

11. Give your spouse a massage. 

10. Reminisce about that one time you both had a great time (sexually) together.

9.  Take a shower or bath and wash each other.

8. Go on a date together, all leading up to a special night.

7. Kiss your spouse’s back to wake them up.

6. Try a bit of dirty talk. 

5. Send them a picture of what you are wearing under your clothes. 

4. Show a bit of public affection. 

3. Greet your partner in the nude when they come to bed.

2. Try something a bit different for foreplay. 

1. Just tell them! Let your partner know when you are horny without beating around the bush. 

For more advice on how to strengthen your marriage, check out Intimacy Reignited: Bring Back the Spark in Your Love Life today!

Please note: We reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

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  1. These are some great ideas. Thanks for providing these helps.
    Just one negative – I cannot agree with #6 – I don’t think there is a place for “dirty talk” in the life of a believer. If you reword/rephrase this item to “sexy talk”, I would be more agreeable to all of your 21 suggestions.

    • Dude…just..I mean…c’mon…of course there’s a place for “Dirty Talk.” I would go on to Filthy talk. It’s your wife, not some girl you met at a bar somewhere. You aren’t being objectifying or distasteful if it’s within the confines of marriage. You know when you’re getting out of line with it, but it doesn’t mean there isn’t a healthy place for it. It’s the person you are spending the rest of your life with. The person you BOTH said yes to. As far as the “believer” part goes, don’t for a second deny that you don’t have “dirty” thoughts. It’s your biology, quit being such an uptight prude. Sex in marriage is beautiful and as long as you aren’t being disrespectful to the humanity of your spouse, go for it. It’s so tiring to see Christians act as though their sex life within marriage is still some kind of sin. Dammit man! You’re wife is your treasure, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take her like an animal sometimes and VICE VERSA. There are times when you should be helplessly subject to her most insane desires. Have a mutual respect for one another but if you think for a second that she doesn’t want to be had by a virile, testosterone fueled man sometimes, you are kidding yourself. It’s deeply hard wired by God into your DNA. Denying each other this is how good people get pent up with sexual repression and release it where they shouldn’t. Missionary position isn’t the only one you think about. Stop hiding your inner most desires behind the false curtain that it isn’t allowed by faith. You’re in a biblical marriage. You are free with your spouse. Start acting like it

      • Amen BROTHER,, that was VERY well said. I have on several occasions been attacked by my wife before I could even get my work clothes off, and I’m telling you, if you want to be a man, feel like a man, give in to her desire, and give her what she needs, and make her remember the day she threw herself at you, cause the more she remembers it the more likely she will do it again, and again.. we all know our wives give a lot more than we do in most categories, in most instances, so why can’t we be the ones to show them how much we want, appreciate, and love them, sometimes it’s a little tough getting the ball rolling, but you have to remind yourself that, she picked you too. She fell in love with you, she dedicated her life to you as well as you did to her, so role play, foreplay, word play,, whatever floats your boat, but Have a great sex life!!!! She deserves it as much as you, if not more.. My wife and I found each other over 18 years ago, and after 2 great kids, and a lot of misunderstandings, arguments, disagreements, and memories of a lifetime,,I still can’t wait every single day to get home to my girl, and the love making is STILL out of this world.!!!

      • Absolutely!! I totally agree! I can’t stand when some friends from church make me seem like a sinner for having anal sex. I just say, you know, I don’t think God minds that I’m sexually satisfied with my spouse. If I’m going to be married to the same man for the rest of my life and then I am going to thoroughly enjoy it in every aspect! You are cutting yourself short if you don’t give into your deepest desires! 😉

        • My husband and I have been married 15 years and are regular church goers raising four kids. We’ve had crazy ups and downs, been through some real trials together. We pray and praise together, but when we’re in our bedroom and private, we are open to anything and everything that is between us, and as long as no harm is done to either, and both are fully aware and eager to participate, it is okay. We do not use foul language or talk inappropriately anytime, or anywhere EXCEPT, when we are role playing or just out of our minds for each other, we talk raunchy to each other, because it is unusually and not how we talk anywhere else, it heightens the intensity. I feel no guilt about it either. What the two of us discuss or do in our bedrooms is for us. No one else. I think it’s silly to put confines on a marriage when we are together, committed and monogamous and madly in love with each other.

  2. I believe sex in marriage is pretty important. That’s why I strongly believe it is good to try out these listed ways of initiating sex in marriage. Go for it couples!

  3. I’m pretty sure I’ve tried all of these at some point and it’s still a crap shoot whether they will work or not. How do you know when is the right time to be subtle vs when to come on strong?

    • communicate with her… Sex shouldn’t be a guessing game. She isn’t a box full of mysteries. ASK HER. (not in the moment) Do your research. If you aren’t sure or are offended if she shuts you down, maybe you are thinking a bit about yourself more than her. Maybe the other way around. Either way, you can’t have a healthy relationship in any area without communication…

  4. Me and my wife love each other more than anything and have been together for nearly 4 years, sex was great when we were early in and newlyweds, she would have be up for anything!….but now she just seems stressed all the time and never sleeps well, always busy around the house, school, and work. And i myself work two jobs and work nearly every day of the week, and when im not working i wanna go to the gym. Its my stress relief and makes me feel better.. i wanna help her more but im always busy and so is she..how do i help her feel less stressed and confident in herself that she is sexy?? I love her and always will, to me she is the most beautiful creature alive! …but she doesnt think so…

    • John, there are a lot of different factors at play in your marriage right now. From dealing with the schedules to tasks around the house to not having a lot of time together…all of these are impacting her stress levels and how she feels about herself. I don’t know if the two of you have ever considered marriage coaching. If you have not I would strongly recommend it. Having a 3rd party who can help the two of you navigate this season in your marriage, provide resources and create accountability will go a long way toward bringing connection back to the two of you. If you are interested in learning more about coaching with Alisa, you can check it out here: http://www.oneextraordinarymarriage.com/coaching

  5. My wife and I just started the 3-days I initiate, 3-days she initiates, thing. It’s my first 3-day turn to initiate. What do you do if you can’t shake the feeling that your wife is thinking “oh, please, no, not right now” every time you open a door, or you walk in the room, or sit down next to her. Like she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even after talking to her about it and she’s told me she’s open to my initiating. Welcome to my first hang-up.

    • It’s completely normal to feel this way when the two of you are trying something new, and for most couples, the intimacy lifestyle is something new. You and your wife have taken an important first step in deepening the intimacy in your marriage, you’ve made this decision AND you have opened up the communication around this very sensitive topic. One thing that might help is having a conversation with your wife on how you will initiate so that neither one of you are thinking that every interaction has the expectation of sex. Knowing how you might initiate will help both of you. Because the two of you have committed to this, one of the most important things that you can do for yourself and your marriage is to work through where these thoughts are coming from and work on reframing them. It may be necessary to work with a coach in the short term to break off these thoughts. If you are interested in working with Alisa, you can learn more about coaching at http://www.oneextraordinarymarriage.com/coaching