295: THE NO REJECTION ZONE

Creating a no rejection zone in your marriage is vital to creating an environment where both you and your spouse trust one another.

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Rejection is incredibly destructive. It eats away at a person’s sense of worth, it creates doubt, it destroys the foundation of your marriage.

For the first 11 years of our marriage rejection was as common as breathing air.

Over the past eight years we have decided that our bedroom is a no rejection zone. In doing so there has been a shift in us and in our marriage.

What we learned is that sometimes you know when you are rejecting your spouse…

That’s the bold NO.

And other times it with more subtle statements, such as:

  • Not tonight.
  • Not right now.
  • I’m really busy.
  • I have one more thing I have to do.
  • One more chapter to read.
  • I’m going to (cuddle, hang out, watch a movie) with the kids.
  • I have a volunteer meeting.
  • I already made plans with friends.

Each one of these things is not bad or destructive in and of themselves. It’s when they become the pattern of behavior in your marriage. It’s when this is all that your spouse hears.

In this week’s show Tony and Alisa talk about why it’s so important to have a no rejection zone in your bedroom.

EPISODE SPONSOR | The Science of a Woman, the Art of Manhood

In this fascinating read, author Eric Smith, digs into many topics dealing with the marriage relationship and how husbands and wives relate to one another sexually. He digs deep into grace based vs law based relationships and the forgotten art of manhood. This is a must read for couples everywhere. Learn more today when you grab your copy of The Science of a Woman, the Art of Manhood.

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One thought on “295: THE NO REJECTION ZONE

  1. Thanks guys, great topic and discussion. My wife and I had planned to listen to it separately one evening and then discuss it together later. However we not never got around to discussing it, largely because thinking about the different types of rejection was painful enough that I had to stop listening at one point, and didn’t really want to talk about it! You are right rejection can create real pain.

    When we do get back together and discuss it, one of the things I want to tell her is that you can say no without rejecting me, and you can say yes and still totally reject me. Sometimes she will say yes, but with sigh, a roll of her eyes, pause and hesitation, or with some physical guardedness not wanting to be touched etc. Being the high desire spouse, it’s hard for me cause even though I see those signs it don’t want to just stop, so we end up doing it, and yet at the end she was never really into it, & I still feel frustrated and rejected.

    This has resulted in one of our biggest struggles, which has been that our frequency has never really been terrible although there have been some down times, however I still felt a high level of rejection. This adds a complication that my wife thinks she’s doing a lot and I should be very satisfied, and yet I keep acting like my love tank is empty, and it is. It leaves my wife thinking that I’m like a bottomless pit. No matter how high of a frequency, I could never be satisfied. Of course that makes it even harder for her to say yes, and she ends up feeling like I’m constantly initiating and I’m never satisfied no matter how frequent or steamy it may be. On the other hand, on my side, no matter how good the frequency, when “I guess” still feels like a rejection, of course I’m left feeling hurt and empty.

    The other side of this is being able to say a confirming “no”. Even though I am the high desire, and she’s the low, if when she tells me no or not tonight she is still positive, and communicates love and desire, I can be left feeling just as built up and confirmed as if we had had sex. Maybe the secret is learning to say a sexy “no”?

    Since we started listening to your podcast, our sex but much more so our communication has really improved, and I feel more confident about knowing what she’s feeling, knowing when and how to initiate, and being confident that I’ll be able to get some. The we haven’t fully embraced the intimacy lifestyle, I do feel like I know more about what’s going on with her, can read the signs of when to initiate better, and can be more confident about being able to get some. In turn I don’t feel like I have to try to initiate every single night from a place of doubt and almost hopelessness, but instead I’m starting to notice trend of nicer nos, and more heartfelt yeses! I love my wife so much, and I’m so thankful for the journey we’re on together!