Jealousy in a marriage is so subtle that most couples won’t even admit that it’s going on between them. But constant feelings of suspicion, fear, and jealousy are toxic to your emotional intimacy.


Not sure if there’s jealousy in your marriage? Try some of these scenarios on for size and see if you can find yourself in them.

Do you…

  • Find yourself sneaking looks into your spouse’s phone, computer, and other communications with the “outside” world?
  • Memorize exactly how your wife’s purse or your husband’s briefcase is put together so you can put it back exactly how they left it before you went all private investigator on it?
  • Become like a cornered rattlesnake when your husband or wife looks at a member of the opposite sex?
  • Pull up a table, a chair, and a lamp and interrogate your spouse as to where they’ve been, who they’ve been doing it with, and why?
  • Experience feelings of extreme anxiety when they are not around you?

If you have ever been on the giving or receiving end of any of these activities, jealousy is likely taking root in your marriage.

Not only does jealousy prevent you from dealing with your own issues, but it limits your emotional intimacy as a couple. And when your Emotional Intimacy Pillar has cracks in it, you risk developing cracks in the rest of your 6 Pillars of Intimacy®.

That’s why it’s important to take action. 

3 Dangers of Jealousy in Marriage

There are plenty of reasons why jealousy is dangerous to a marriage. It stifles emotional intimacy, creates a disconnect between spouses, and changes the entire dynamic of your relationship.

Read below to discover why jealousy is so toxic and strategies to overcome the “green-eyed monster.”

Please note: Finding out that there is infidelity occurring in your marriage is an entirely different scenario than merely feeling jealous or suspicious, and it will require a different response. If your marriage has experienced infidelity, consider seeking counseling or marriage coaching to get the personal help you need. 

1. Jealousy is Ultimately a Huge Cover-Up Operation

At its heart, jealousy can’t exist if you are secure, safe, and have everything that you already need.

If you learn to dig beneath your jealousy, you will almost always see that you feel insecure, unsafe, or feel like you lack something that someone else has.

This can come in the form of low self-esteem or fear of abandonment. It might even be your way of covering up some of your past disappointments.

Your first step toward healing is to identify what your jealousy is covering up. 

If you’ve struggled with jealousy for a while, you might need personal help from a counselor or marriage coach to identify the source of your jealousy. 

Other times, you might simply need to have an honest conversation with your spouse about what you’re feeling.

It requires humility to admit that you feel jealousy. However, talking through your emotions with your spouse may help you understand the root issues better.

For example, talk through the following questions:

  • What are your fears or insecurities?
  • What are your boundaries as a couple?
  • Are there any expectations that you have not voiced? 

Once you address topics like these, you will have a better idea of how to take action. 

Remember, you will stay stuck in jealousy if you never take ownership of your feelings. Constantly shifting the blame won’t get you anywhere. Instead, get help to see what’s underneath this emotion. 

2. Jealousy Robs You of Energy Needed to Strengthen Your Marriage

Over time, unresolved jealousy builds a wall between you and your spouse. This disconnection takes a massive toll on your marriage. It weakens your closeness and connection (in other words, intimacy). 

Plus, the amount of energy you put into trying to control your spouse and their behavior to keep things feeling “safe” will rob you of the ability to protect your marriage the right way—by filling it with love and trust. 

Think of it like this: Jealousy makes someone believe that they can control their marriage by keeping tabs on their spouse.

But what actually ends up happening is that the jealous spouse builds up evidence until they eventually confront their spouse. The accused was never intending to do anything unfaithful, so they end up defending themself. The jealous spouse then feels justified because if nothing bad was happening, then why would their husband or wife need to defend themself?!

The accused spouse then tends to come back even harder, often saying, “There is nothing to worry about!” Yet this only causes the worrier to worry even more.

This is exhausting even to read, let alone live through consistently.

Imagine if you could somehow get all that energy back to pour into your marriage. 

You can.

The only way off this crazy circle is for you—the husband or wife with jealousy—to stand up and admit it! Then, you can use that time and effort together to deal with the root issue. 

For example, you might desire to spend more time with your spouse. Research some fun date ideas in your area and make recreational intimacy a priority. 

Once you determine the source of your jealousy, you can take true steps to resolve the issue and move forward in your marriage. 

3. Jealousy Robs You From Speaking the Truth

The saying is, “Speak the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

But the opposite is also true: “Speak the lie, and the lie will keep you bound.”

Jealousy puts so much red tape between your emotional intimacy that it will become harder and harder to communicate with each other.

Think about what happens to your conversations if you are jealous about your spouse’s work, friends, free time, workouts, entertainment… The list goes on and on.

Every time you argue about one of these topics, all of your jealousy comes with you.

Jealousy can blur reality. Soon enough, you can’t even talk about what’s actually happening. Instead, you’re talking in circles because of your emotions. 

Combine that with the exhaustion mentioned above, and you have a true mess on your hands!

Feeling stuck is a real problem. Over time, jealousy prevents you from saying and hearing the very words that need to be communicated to bring you both freedom.

To address this issue, you may need to learn new skills to handle conflict or have meaningful conversations.

Need Help Overcoming Jealousy?

Recognizing that jealousy is a problem in your marriage is an important first step, but don’t stop there. A marriage coach can help you work through this challenge as a couple.

Apply for marriage coaching to get personalize support and actionable advice for overcoming jealousy.

Remember that you’re not alone if jealousy is an issue in your marriage. Many couples have faced this obstacle at one point or another. The mark of a truly extraordinary couples is how you choose to move forward.

Take action today. Clear out the clutter of jealousy so you can fall back in love with each other again.

Watch the video below to rekindle the spark and restore the connection in your marriage today!

In the 6 Pillars of Intimacy®, you will discover secrets that have transformed countless marriages. Its ideas are simple, practical, and powerful. You’ll be inspired to look at your marriage through a new lens and be encouraged by its commonsense approach.

Alisa and Tony DiLorenzo's proven approach to building intimacy in marriage will help you experience deeper and richer levels of intimacy with your spouse – starting today. Click HERE to get your copy today!

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