Years ago we would have laughed at the thought of scheduling sex. It’s not spontaneous, exciting, or invigorating. That’s what we told ourselves.
In reality we wanted our sex lives to be a time when we were connecting at a deep and intimacy level. What it typically ended up being was the same place, same time, and the same position (missionary).
Usually we would fall into bed, exhausted and worn out from the day, to make love that was mediocre at best. Spontaneous sex was few and far between.
Four years ago we set out to change our sexual intimacy.
We were frustrated with what sex had become in our marriage and knew that there was much more enjoyment than we were experiencing.
It was then that we started The Intimacy Lifestyle.
The Intimacy Lifestyle is about making sexual intimacy a priority in your marriage each and every week throughout the year.
The Intimacy Lifestyle is about the sexual intimacy in your marriage and it also brings in other forms of intimacy.
As you implement The Intimacy Lifestyle you will be engaging each other in emotional, spiritual, financial, intellectual, and recreational intimacy.
All 6 forms of intimacy will play a part in how you bond with your spouse in your marriage.
Setting up your Intimacy Lifestyle and scheduling sex is going to be easy, fast, and fun.
Communicate the Expectations
You both need to sit down and talk (communicate) about how your marriage will be transformed by scheduling sex.
If you struggle to talk about sex together we suggest you pick up He Zigs, She Zags: Get Your Communication on the Same Path.
By getting on the same path in your communication both of you will open up in all areas of your marriage.
Each of you will gain a new level of trust with one another which will allow for amazing sex when you schedule it.
Set the Parameters
Once you both are on board you will need to set up the parameters.
The two of you need to decide the days that each one of you are responsible for taking the lead (initiating) when it comes to sex.
You are not going to have sex on all of your days, although that would be fun, but instead you are going to take the lead (initiate) on one of those days.
For example, this is how our Intimacy Lifestyle days work.
On Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday Tony has to take the lead and initiate sex.
He only has to initiate on one of those three days. We know that if we haven’t had sex on Sunday or Monday then we are sure to have it on Tuesday.
Alisa’s days to initiate and take the lead are on Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. On one of those days she takes the lead and initiates sex.
Saturday is our day off. Although, there are times that we have a bonus day and enjoy each other on this day as well.
Now, keep in mind that this is what works for us.
The two of you are going to need to spend some time in discussion on what will work for you.
Maybe you block days during the week like we do, maybe you alternate weeks instead, or you come up with some variation that best suits your marriage.
Whatever you choose, make the decision to stick with this for 3-6 months. After this time visit how it is working in your marriage.
The two of you need to talk about what it means to initiate sex in your marriage. If initiating has been one-sided for the majority of your marriage then there is some work to do.
You’re not alone, as this was our marriage for many years. Over time we have talked about and learned the cues each of us make when it is our turn to initiate. Some examples are:
- Lighting candles in the bedroom
- Notes with arrows on them leading to a specific place
- A soft whisper
- Texting throughout the day
- Leaving a flower or a piece of chocolate on the pillow
- Special piece(s) of clothing
- Arriving to bed naked
- Certain touches
- Code words that can be used anywhere
We will say that learning to initiate sex is one of the toughest parts for many couples when it comes to The Intimacy Lifestyle.
Take your time and learn what is best for the two of you.
It’s time to start scheduling sex in your marriage.
For more information on how The Intimacy Lifestyle works in our marriage listen to the ONE Extraordinary Marriage Show – Scheduling Sex.
We have been using The Intimacy Lifestyle for four years now.
It has transformed our marriage in many ways, from deep conversations, to a spiritual connection we were lacking, and it has accomplished one very big goal, one that was sorely lacking from our marriage.
Your sexual intimacy needs to be a priority in marriage!