Sex is one of the biggest perks of being married and yet so often, relegated to an obligation instead of being the gift it truly should be.


Have you ever said (or at least thought) any of the following in regard to sex in your marriage.

  • It’s one more thing I have to do
  • I’m so tired
  • Don’t you ever get enough
  • What about MY needs
  • I could take it or leave it

How does sex with your spouse get to this point?

There is an anticipation to be sexually intimate at times, but more often than not it’s not even on the radar for you or your spouse.

This could be due to…

  • Childhood messages about what sex should or shouldn’t be
  • Busyness
  • Lack of romance
  • Lack of communication
  • Sex is used as a weapon, treat me well and I’ll have sex with you, otherwise, no go
  • Stopped learning or caring what works for the other
  • Routine (same positions/same time)

When sex has become a duty or an obligation, your marriage suffers.

Sex is truly one the most intimate times with another person and not being fully involved in the process is placing a wedge between you and your spouse.

In this week’s show Tony and Alisa talk about changing your mindset so that sex is not a duty in your marriage but a gift that you give to one another.

EPISODE SPONSOR | 19 Quick Questions That Will Rekindle Your Sex Life ASAP

Talking about sex with your spouse is something you should do during different seasons of life. When you do you’ll create a shift in your marriage around this sometimes “tricky” subject. Make sure to pick up this FREE resource that is going to give you 19 questions to change your sex life. Grab 19 Quick Questions now and don’t miss an opportunity to learn about your sexual intimacy.

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One thought on “309: SEX IS NOT A DUTY IT’S A GIFT

  1. I just discovered your podcast yesterday and I’ve been obsessed!! I really appreciate how you share openly & honestly about sex while holding true to values that I think are extremely important (like keeping marital sex only between the two of you and not engaging in sexual activity without your spouse, respecting each other’s boundaries, etc.). Thank you for your wonderful ministry!

    I would love any thoughts, opinions, advice, etc. that you can provide.

    I am a wife who is still madly in love with her husband but who has absolutely zero sex drive. We engage in regular sex (while I’m guilty of doing the obligatory sex, I try very hard to see it as a gift and the majority of the time I make love to genuinely bless him). BUT, I desperately long to desire him, intimately, the same way he desires me.

    Here are a few more details…

    We met when I was 18 and we got married when I was 20. He was the man of my dreams and still is. We stayed virgins until our wedding night despite having great sexual desire & excitement prior to marriage. The day we got married (and started having sex) my libido literally disappeared and it has never returned. It breaks my heart and I hate it!

    We engage in regular sex because I know & believe how important & vital it is to marriage. My husband & I are more in love now than we were when we got married (it’s been almost 7 years and we have two sons who are 1 & 2). All the usual answers for “why is my libido low” just leave me feeling more confused because I feel like we already DO all the things people always suggest to do (like communicate more, serve one another, build your friendship, go on date nights, experiment, etc.). Nothing works, nothing changes.

    My husband & I talk about this issue all the time (brought up by me, never brought up by him in any sort of shaming or condemning way). I just can’t seem to figure out why my desire went away RIGHT after we got married. If it was a hormonal thing, I wouldn’t have ever had a drive, right?

    Also, it’s important to note that I’m specifically talking about the drive & desire to have sex with him. He definitely knows how to give me intense pleasure and I enjoy that in the moment. We have also, over the years, had increasingly more intimate sex. I’d say about 85% of the time after we make love I feel an extremely strong connection with him. With all this good stuff, I don’t understand why I don’t DESIRE this.

    I just wish I could experience a fraction of the same I-gotta-have-you-now desire that I had nearly every day before we were married!

    Let me know if you have any suggestions 🙂