393: IS YOUR VIBRATOR A CRUTCH?

“Don’t be afraid to give up the good to go for the great.” —John D. Rockefeller

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Vibrators…

They can be a helpful tool in your sexual intimacy tool box or it can detract you from truly connecting with your spouse.

Have you every said this to yourself:

  • It seems like I am only able to orgasm when I use a vibrator.
  • It’s kind of our fall back.
  • It’s guaranteed.
  • If it takes to long or I’m just tired, I’ll either reach for the vibrator or ask him to get it.

We’ve used vibrators ourselves and will say that these thoughts have gone through Alisa’s mind.

In our own marriage there was a season that every time we were having sex we were pulling out the vibrator.

Using a vibrator was quick and convenient.

When using one we didn’t have to communicate or put forth effort.

It allowed Alisa to make sure that she was going to have an orgasm, regardless of whether or not Tony was involved in the process.

What the vibrator did for the most part was replaced Tony, physically and mentally.

When you default to the vibrator instead of your husband for every orgasm, your husband becomes unnecessary.

In this week’s show Tony and Alisa talk about how the vibrator might be a crutch for your sexual intimacy and what it might look like to consider a different path.

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One thought on “393: IS YOUR VIBRATOR A CRUTCH?

  1. Love your podcast! Thank you!

    My wife has been using a vibrator exclusively during sex for a few years now. I hadn’t given it much thought until I listened to this episode today. I guess I was happy that she had something that worked reliably for her. This is going to gnaw at me for weeks. Thanks guys. ; )

    She used to enjoy what techniques I had to offer. We had good communication about what worked and what didn’t. Then the intimacy flat-lined after kids. I bought her a vibrator out of desperation, one of many hit and miss attempts to kick-start things again after several long years of bedroom famine. Things have improved somewhat in the past year, but after listening to this episode, I realized I’m pretty much not allowed to do intimate touch anymore. And, no I don’t mean churlish, brutish groping with rough, dry hands. My various attempts are either too intense, not intense enough, too ticklish (ugh, not trying to tickle). Maybe the vibrator is the Goldilocks method.

    I have asked many times if she has any ideas of what might work since the old bag of tricks we developed together is obsolete, but she doesn’t know or seem to care to expend any thought on the matter. (I do resent the “I can’t be bothered to expend a moment’s thought about our sex life” attitude in general). She says the vibrator just works, and the old things don’t feel good anymore.

    I miss foreplay with my wife. Things are a bit too perfunctory for me sometimes. I don’t demand or have a need for her to climax every time, but if I didn’t bring it up, it wouldn’t happen at all. Getting the vibrator out of the drawer and handing it to her feels a little lame in hindsight. All the ceremony and romance of handing her her toothbrush. The majority of times she says no in any case.

    But, maybe I shouldn’t make perfect the enemy of acceptable/good sex.