40 DAYS TO A MIND BLOWING MARRIAGE

It’s time we came clean with how we find ourselves writing this blog and even talking about marriage.

It all started back in August 2008.

Tony and I were about to lead a small group on intimacy and had stumbled across an interview with two couples who had done what would seem virtually impossible.

Chandra Mueller had offered her husband 365 nights of intimacy for his 40th birthday and Douglas and Annie Brown had had sex for 101 nights.

As we are watching these interviews on the computer I’m thinking to myself that these women are NUTS!!!!! I make sure to verbalize this to Tony so that he doesn’t get any crazy ideas.

I’m glad I verbalized my thoughts to Tony, but having been married to him for 11 years I expected something.  He didn’t disappoint me.  The next day he threw it out there.  “Hey Alis, what if we were intimate (make love/have sex) every night for the next two months while we lead our small group?”

NO WAY.

Tony loves throwing ideas out there and this was one I didn’t have to or want to think about it.  There was no way I was going to say yes to be intimate with him every night for the next 60 days.  We probably made love once a week, maybe twice if we were lucky, and now he wanted to make love every day.  No thank you, good night.

That night, as I laid there in bed reading, my mind was working overtime.   I was actually kind of intrigued by the idea.  The “What IF’s” kept coming up.

What if we did this?

What if I enjoyed it?

What if I said yes?

How would this work?

Could I do this?

At the time (September and October 2008) we had a 5 year old and a 2 year old, Tony had his business obligations, we were involved in our church and our many other activities from volunteering to sports.

Would I like it? Don’t get me wrong here I enjoy being intimate with my husband, but would it still be good day after day after day for 60 days?  I didn’t want to lose the special connection just because we were trying to make love for 60 daysl.

Here’s the big ONE…Was I willing to give up my excuses (I’m tired, it’s been a long day, I don’t feel like it, etc.) and commit to saying YES every day? I’m sure every husband reading this is probably thinking that this would be the ultimate gift.  However, I had become very comfortable controlling the frequency of sex in our marriage.  If I was in the mood for it then we would make love, otherwise sorry.  Was I willing to relinquish that power I had over our sexual intimacy?

The evening after Tony asked, “What if we were intimate every night for the two months while we lead our small group?”, I told Tony the one word that will forever change our marriage, “YES”.  And then he said one of the craziest things I have ever heard…

What do you think he said?

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10 thoughts on “40 DAYS TO A MIND BLOWING MARRIAGE

  1. Wow, I am really happy to read that you guys had this discussion (and I’ll guess you followed through 🙂 ).

    My wife and I are preparing presentations right now for a marriage retreat we will help to host in late January. One of our talks is on the topic of Control & Irresponsibility, and a primary focus (of the whole retreat) is sexuality and how we relate as masculine and feminine people. One of the challenges for participants is for the wife to always be a “yes” to sexual intimacy (within reason). The idea is that she relinquishes her usual Control over sex and TRUSTS her husband to be Responsible to decide if it is the right time.

    Believe it or not, this retreat is based on the teachings of the Catholic Church and the Theology of the Body. I think most people would be amazed at the emphasis the Church places on sex and sexuality within marriage. It shouldn’t be a surprise, though. After all, it’s a foundational issue and one that falls squarely within our spiritual lives. God wants us to have great sex!

    Thanks for sharing!

    • Yes, God does want us to have great sex. Solomon and his wife in the Song of Solomon speak with vigor about wanting passion, romance, and intimacy in their lives. the Song of Solomon is the book we were discussing in our small group when Alisa and I began to discuss our 60 days of intimacy. It was the perfect back drop for what we were experiencing each and every day.

      We had the opportunity this past July to speak at a marriage retreat about our experience. It was truly amazing to see folks begin to realize that each of us puts up boundaries to being sexually intimate in our marriage when in actuality we should be breaking down the walls. Afterwards we had many folks tell us that they saw a different way to enjoy sexual intimacy with their spouse.

      Saying “yes” to sexual intimacy is key, within reason, like you say. As a husband it hurt deep down when I would be rejected over and over. Alisa didn’t understand me until we had a really big heart-to-heart. This took some time to help her understand where I was coming from.

      What we learned was:

      For her saying “No” was like saying “No” to go out to McDonalds. She had to make many decisions every day with running our house hold and this was just another one she would have to say yes or no to.

      For me when she said “No” it was a rejection to my very being. I felt like I wasn’t desirable to her or able to meet her needs.

      Once we understood where each of us were coming from this drastically affected how we approached sexual intimacy. In other words she is more apt to saying “Yes” than “No”.

      You’re right. We’ll post tomorrow.

  2. Wow, I am really happy to read that you guys had this discussion (and I’ll guess you followed through 🙂 ).

    My wife and I are preparing presentations right now for a marriage retreat we will help to host in late January. One of our talks is on the topic of Control & Irresponsibility, and a primary focus (of the whole retreat) is sexuality and how we relate as masculine and feminine people. One of the challenges for participants is for the wife to always be a “yes” to sexual intimacy (within reason). The idea is that she relinquishes her usual Control over sex and TRUSTS her husband to be Responsible to decide if it is the right time.

    Believe it or not, this retreat is based on the teachings of the Catholic Church and the Theology of the Body. I think most people would be amazed at the emphasis the Church places on sex and sexuality within marriage. It shouldn’t be a surprise, though. After all, it’s a foundational issue and one that falls squarely within our spiritual lives. God wants us to have great sex!

    Thanks for sharing!

    • Yes, God does want us to have great sex. Solomon and his wife in the Song of Solomon speak with vigor about wanting passion, romance, and intimacy in their lives. the Song of Solomon is the book we were discussing in our small group when Alisa and I began to discuss our 60 days of intimacy. It was the perfect back drop for what we were experiencing each and every day.

      We had the opportunity this past July to speak at a marriage retreat about our experience. It was truly amazing to see folks begin to realize that each of us puts up boundaries to being sexually intimate in our marriage when in actuality we should be breaking down the walls. Afterwards we had many folks tell us that they saw a different way to enjoy sexual intimacy with their spouse.

      Saying “yes” to sexual intimacy is key, within reason, like you say. As a husband it hurt deep down when I would be rejected over and over. Alisa didn’t understand me until we had a really big heart-to-heart. This took some time to help her understand where I was coming from.

      What we learned was:

      For her saying “No” was like saying “No” to go out to McDonalds. She had to make many decisions every day with running our house hold and this was just another one she would have to say yes or no to.

      For me when she said “No” it was a rejection to my very being. I felt like I wasn’t desirable to her or able to meet her needs.

      Once we understood where each of us were coming from this drastically affected how we approached sexual intimacy. In other words she is more apt to saying “Yes” than “No”.

      You’re right. We’ll post tomorrow.

  3. I have to say, it is a hard thing to relinquish that control us women have over sex. Our husbands seem to only have sex with us when “we” are in the mood. We don’t seem to care if they are. And admittingly, I have used sex to control other aspects of our lives…if he makes me mad, I withold sex, if I want sex and he is tired, I get mad at him and take it personally and withold sex for however long to teahc him a lesson for turning me down. It’s a certain power we hold. I am learning as I get further in my marriage how wrong I was for doing those things. I hope one day, when he and I are ready, to make a commitment to making love/sex for an extended period of time…when we are ready. I admire what you and Tony have done and continue to do.

    • Mayra, you are so right about women using sex to control their marriages. Instead of viewing sex as an opportunity to be closer with our husbands we use it as a reward or as a tool to get what we want. I’m glad to hear that you have been learning so much in your marriage. It will truly be better because of that . As for making love for an extended period of time…think about what is comfortable for the both of you. If you can commit right now to once or twice a week then let that be your commitment, don’t worry so much about we have done concern yourself more with what you can do to improve your marriage. Tony and I split the week. He’s responsible for initiating on Sunday, Monday or Tuesday and I am responsible on Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. We only initiate on one of our 3 days with the understanding that our spouse will be agreeable. Saturday is a day of rest!

  4. I have to say, it is a hard thing to relinquish that control us women have over sex. Our husbands seem to only have sex with us when “we” are in the mood. We don’t seem to care if they are. And admittingly, I have used sex to control other aspects of our lives…if he makes me mad, I withold sex, if I want sex and he is tired, I get mad at him and take it personally and withold sex for however long to teahc him a lesson for turning me down. It’s a certain power we hold. I am learning as I get further in my marriage how wrong I was for doing those things. I hope one day, when he and I are ready, to make a commitment to making love/sex for an extended period of time…when we are ready. I admire what you and Tony have done and continue to do.

    • Mayra, you are so right about women using sex to control their marriages. Instead of viewing sex as an opportunity to be closer with our husbands we use it as a reward or as a tool to get what we want. I’m glad to hear that you have been learning so much in your marriage. It will truly be better because of that . As for making love for an extended period of time…think about what is comfortable for the both of you. If you can commit right now to once or twice a week then let that be your commitment, don’t worry so much about we have done concern yourself more with what you can do to improve your marriage. Tony and I split the week. He’s responsible for initiating on Sunday, Monday or Tuesday and I am responsible on Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. We only initiate on one of our 3 days with the understanding that our spouse will be agreeable. Saturday is a day of rest!