432: THE END OF REJECTION

“Being afraid of things going wrong isn’t the way to make things go right.” —Anonymous

Despite what today’s culture would tell you, both men and women want to be both desired and pursued: it just looks different to different genders.

Hollywood has done marriages today a great disservice, and we want to help couples who have fallen into its traps to climb out.

There were many years of rejection in our marriage. Alisa would turn Tony down time after time.

Before you dismiss yourself, let’s be honest: rejection isn’t usually a verbal decline for sex. It’s falling asleep in bed, it’s becoming engrossed in work, it’s pulling away early from an embrace or kiss, or otherwise making yourself unavailable for sexual intimacy.

Rejection (sexual rejection is the frame of reference here, but it applies to all areas of marriage), especially when repetitive, causes great damage and pain as real as any physical pain.

Perhaps the worst part about it is that as it becomes the routine, you don’t even recognize it as rejection; but the impacts are just as real.

For us, it wasn’t until we did the 60 days of sex challenge and intentionally eliminated rejection that we realized how prevalent and burdensome it was – not just in our sexual intimacy but the ripple effects into other areas of our marriage. We want every marriage to commit to establishing a no-rejection zone (want to learn more about that – check out Episode 295).

Deciding to end rejection in your marriage is an incredible act of love.

It’s so important.

But let’s not remain in neutral — real growth will occur in your marriage when you realize the power you have to fulfill needs your spouse has but may never have verbalized.

We challenge you to pursue them. Yes, we mean initiate sex. Show them that you desire them, respect them, and value them, in and out of the bedroom.

Action Steps:

1. Talk about what rejection looks like in your marriage. There may be signals you or your spouse are misinterpreting.  There will be so much freedom for you to at least be above-board about all of these covert signals.
2. Set each other up for success: rather than leaving them guessing about when is a good time for you, let them know! The goal isn’t to say “yes” to sex when it’s really not a good time. The goal is that your spouse would know when IS a good time to initiate and they would be able to do so confidently.
3. Create a joint vision for your intimacy. During your next coffee break, discuss the following questions:
   • What does romance look like to you now? (Here are some ways we’ve heard from you guys.)
   • What does initiating look like to you now? (Some more ideas here)
   • What should you communicate to your spouse that would make it easier for you to say yes more than you say no?
4. If all of this is a burden too large to bear on your own, consider coaching. You can learn more and schedule a strategy session here.

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