453: FEAR IS CRIPPLING MARRIAGES

“When we invite fear, doubt or worry to occupy seats in the boardroom of our heart, all kinds of things can wreck the joy of our marriages.” —Anonymous

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Fear is a natural human emotion. It has a biological purpose to enable us to perceive danger and make wise choices. But it creeps way beyond its healthy place and is wreaking havoc on marriages around the world today.

Fear is not always met with a rapid heartbeat and beads of sweat. It’s often the silent weight that you carry that keeps you behind, walking through life and marriage instead of leaping. Being stuck in the past, or overly concerned about the future limits how you can experience the present. Quite simply, fear steals your joy.

People fear very different things: disappointment, affairs, death, finances, cancer, change, boredom, and the list could go on.

We challenge you to truly stop and think hard about what you fear, and write it down. For any married person, anything that affects you automatically affects your spouse. Once you’ve identified an area you struggle with fear, how do you start to resolve it?

Step one is acknowledging that fear involves both heart and head. You can’t simply will yourself to change your feelings, most often you need to begin to correct your thinking and your emotions will follow the messaging you hear in your mind.

Next, remind yourself of what you know to be true both about the situation, yourself and your spouse. Fear is rooted in lies, and sometimes worse, half-truths. As you concentrate of what you know to be true, acknowledge the reality of the situation, focus on the things which are in your control, and let go of the others.

If you can assess the cost of your fear and see the benefits of releasing that fear you will be able to start feeding yourself a healthier diet of truth. The truth is that you were not made to be held captive to fear, but to experience hope.

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Or big things you don’t even realize are happening. Problems are swept under the covers and ignored… Until suddenly someone asks for a divorce.

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One thought on “453: FEAR IS CRIPPLING MARRIAGES

  1. Something I’ve discovered during my research into my wife’s infidelity was what is called attachment styles. Apparently the way you grow attached to your parents has everything about the way you attach to your partners in life and marriage. I’ve discovered that my wife has an anxious-preoccupied attachment style and I have an fearful-avoidant attachment style. My wife has a constant worry that the love in our marriage had to be at a certain emotional/intimate level and if it was not that it ment that I didn’t love her. It caused her to be codependent. A constant people pleaser. She would give and give and if she didn’t get the same back in return that she felt unloved driving her fear that I didn’t love her and would make her anxious about the about her needs not being met. I on the other hand am a fearful avoidant. I am anxious and avoidant at the same time. I want to be in a loving relationship, but am constantly worried about being rejected, losing the love I have with her, worried that she will leave me. This constant worry causes me to avoid her. To pull away as a defensive mechanism to keep from getting hurt. This is a push/pull, chase/avoid dance that went on for 21 years between us. All fear based from both of us. It could all had easily been fixed if we have just opened up to each other about what each of us was thinking and feeling. The affair most likely would never had happened. This podcast was about fear in a relationship. We didn’t know anything about attachment styles then. I wish we had. We would have been a more loving, caring, understanding couple a long time ago. You mentioned more podcasts would be driven from the fear based angle in the future. We’ve listened to alot of your podcasts and haven’t heard you mention anything about attachment styles yet. If you don’t know anything about them please look into this area because it is a very big deal in relationships and marriage that we’ve found out.

    Thanks, Dean