“Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.” —Ernestine Ulmer

In almost every romantic movie that we’ve seen, the date goes something like this: the man and woman get all dressed up for one another, they go out for a date to dinner and a show, maybe have a few drinks and head home to have hot, steamy sex.

Sound familiar?

But who said that your sexual intimacy has to come at the end of the date night? We say it’s time to switch it up!

Hollywood is telling us that there is a template for when you have sex, but just like we mentioned in our media and marriage podcast episodes, we don’t need to live our lives by what we see on television and in movies. So throw that template out the window and try something new.

When you switch up when you have sex, you can avoid some of the frustration that can come with unmet needs and desires.

We took a poll asking the ONE family about sex and date nights. The results shared that 65% of you said you expect sex after date night, yet 82% of you said you are frustrated with sex not happening after a date night.

So what are some of the reasons why sex is not happening after a date?

When you come home, the mood can fizzle and you might be faced with one or all of these statements from your spouse:

  • “I’m too tired.”
  • “I just want to go to bed.
  • “I’m not in the mood.”
  • “I’m too full.”
  • “I just want to get comfy and read.”

Then all of these frustrating feelings can come to the surface because you desire to be intimate with your spouse, and you feel like you’ve been let down.

Instead of getting frustrated, look at these objections as an opportunity for growth. All it takes is one person to create a shift and it’s amazing how much mindset plays a role in our sex lives.

Shifting your mindset is one of many strategies you can gain in a personal coaching session with Alisa. If there are deeper issues in your marriage you need to discuss, it might be time to schedule a session to gain more insight and map out a plan for this season of your marriage.  

Have you ever asked your spouse what his or her expectations are for going on a date?

Some people expect to be wined and dined before having sex, some expect the nightcap, and others want to end the date with sex because it’s just what they’ve always done. Having a conversation around expectations and desires with your spouse will help alleviate the frustrations around not getting what you want.

The ONE family has told us about all the reasons why sex before the date night is an issue, but we are here to tell that you can overcome everything on that list. Think of this as another tool in your marriage toolbox.

You know the objections; so let’s talk about the opportunities. Here are some ideas to get things hot and steamy before date night.

  • Literally get hot and steamy… in the shower. The beauty of the shower is that it’s noisy, and will drown out any other sounds if you have other people in the house. It also makes clean up a lot easier. Make sure to bring some lube in the shower with you just in case you need it.
  • Send sexy text messages to each other throughout the day. This fun foreplay that will increase your excitement once you get home.
  • If you’re on vacation with extended family, consider leaving the kids with them for one night and getting your own hotel. Then you can make a late dinner reservation and have leisurely sex beforehand.
  • Newsflash: you can have sex before and after the date! There is no rule that says you only have to have sex once in an evening.
  • Get each other almost to the point of orgasm and then go to date night. You’ll be thinking about sex the whole date and when you come home; you’ll be sprinting to the finish line.

Remember, nothing is set in stone. You and your spouse have the full freedom to make your sexual intimacy your own. Give yourself permission to try something different. Having sex before date night can take all the pressure off of what you’re eating or drinking or how late you’re staying up because you’ve already connected.

Would sex before date night be a game changer in your marriage? Only you and your spouse can decide that. What does your next date night look like? Take some time this week to discuss. If you want some great date ideas, check out our Top 10 List for some inspiration.


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Other Resources:

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Strategic Coaching Session with Alisa

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