We’re guessing that sex is either on your radar screen or it isn’t in your marriage. It’s something you enjoy having with your spouse or it’s something you do because it’s an obligation.
Our hope is that your sex life becomes a time of romance, passion, and bonding. Sex is a sacred act that brings the two of you closer together as your bodies become one.
We’ve experienced both hot and cold times in our marriage. There have been times when Alisa is sexually aroused and it’s not on my radar screen.
At other times I’m all ready and she is only having sex out of obligation.
Does this happens in your marriage too?
You are not alone!
Over the years we have had the opportunity to help couples have the sex life they desire. In doing so we look for telltale signs that tip us off to why they are having a dismal sex life.
This is a big one that many of us overlook. Usually because we feel good one day and gradually over time we don’t have the desire to have sex any more. Your mind may be telling you that you are OK, but really you are not. Don’t languish and hope that you’ll feel better, go get a check up.
We had a client who over the years began to have a lack of desire in her marriage. After seeing her doctor it was determined that she had low testosterone. The low testosterone was causing her to have a low sex drive.
What a revelation it was for her and her husband when they found this out.
Lack of Sleep
Getting a good night sleep is vital to your sex life. Not only is sleep going to help you function through out the day, but you will have more energy for sex. Sleep and sex go hand in hand in more ways than one. When you have sex your body releases oxytocin that helps promote sleep. That’s a good thing for you.
Really it’s a win-win for everyone.
This has to be one of the bigger reasons why our sex life stales out at times. We’re not resting so we lose interest in each other by the time we get to bed. The way we have been able to overcome this is to either have sex in the morning or during the day when we are fully awake.
You Don’t Talk About It
It’s time for the both of you to talk about what you desire in your sex life before you have sex. It’s that simple and it’s that hard. You and your spouse need to take off your masks and be open and honest about what it is that you enjoy about having sex.
Having this conversation when you are not planning on having sex is the best. This is a time for the both of you to understand what your spouse is needing in the relationship. Listen to understand not to reply.
Kid, Kids, and More Kids
It was a cool spring night when our lives changed forever. As the bed rocked and the sheets moved it was at that moment when our dreams of having a child began. Oh, it was amazing sex. Little did we know that our sex life would change forever.
We’re sure you love your kids as much as we love ours, but kids can throw a serious kink into your sex life.
If your kids are younger you are dealing with lack of sleep from late night wake ups, a bit older and they are aware of what’s going on, and even older they are staying up later than you are. It can be tough to make love when you know your kid is up in the room next to you. We know as our oldest shares a wall with us.
You need to get creative!
Think outside of what you have been doing when it comes to your sex life and change it up. Can you have sex while the kids are in school? Would an early morning session while kids are sleeping work? How about getting outside of the house and trying a new place?
Whatever you decide to do make sure it is something that the both of you feel comfortable doing.
All the sports, networking groups, church events, etc are putting both of you into activity overload. You know it is…so why do you keep doing them?
If having an amazing sex life and bonding with your spouse is important to you then it’s time to draw a line in the sand. It’s time for you to say, “I can’t do everything.”
Did you say it?
If so, congratulations as you have taken the first step toward a new you. Now the tough part begins. You and your spouse need to sit down alone and then with your kids to come up with a plan that allows both of you and your family down time.
One night as we were exhausted from another day of non-stop activities we knew there was a problem. “Houston we have a problem”, was glaring in my mind and we needed to figure it out.
As we sat and talked we realized that there was something always going on. We were running from one activity to the other. Our sex life was not what it had been and both of us could tell.
It was at this point that we decided to cut everything back. Yep, it was painful and tough, but it was one of the best things we did to gain balance in our marriage and a huge step back to the sex life we both desired.
It’s now time for you to determine which of these are holding you back in having the sex life you desire. Start with one, then another, and then another. You are going to reap the benefits that will help you have the sex life you desire in your marriage.