“We assume that others show love in the same way that we do and if they don’t we worry the love isn’t there.” Anonymous

Have you ever heard of the love languages? 

You may have heard of the book written by Dr. Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages, but maybe you haven’t read it yet. According to Dr. Chapman, your love language is the primary way that you express and experience love.

The 5 Love Languages are:

  • Acts of Service
  • Words of Affirmation
  • Quality Time
  • Physical Touch
  • Gifts

What Dr. Chapman found is that each person has their idea or version of what each of these love languages not only looks like to them, but should be like for them in their marriage.

One of the biggest challenges that couples face is that they often do not share the same love language. The struggle in a marriage can come when the two of you don’t speak the same language and don’t know how to love your spouse in their language. There are times when it can feel like one of you is speaking Chinese and the other is speaking Spanish-you can’t understand one another and yet you desperately want to be understood. 

Stop for a minute and ask yourself this:

 “Is loving your spouse supposed to be about what makes you feel loved or about what makes them feel loved?”

You also may need to ask yourself: 

“Is this based on what’s easy for you OR about what speaks to your spouse’s heart?” 

It’s hard to speak a language that does not come naturally to you or know what specific actions are going to speak to your spouse’s heart. You need to love your spouse in their language, not yours. When you love them in their language they feel seen AND valued. 

When you know how to express love to your spouse in a language they understand, you’ll find that it’s easier to communicate in other areas too. You’ll also find that you can give and receive love in more meaningful ways. 

You need to find what specific actions speak to your spouse’s heart. 

Ask this simple question: “How can I love you in a way that speaks to your heart?” Ask for 2 or 3 concrete examples and then do those things. Will it feel awkward at first? Maybe. Will you have to think about it? Probably.

Will it make a difference in your marriage? YES!

You promised to love and honor your spouse. One of the key ways to do this is to love them in the way that they RECEIVE love, not the way that you WANT to give it.

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Other Resources:

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

5 Love Languages Quiz

338: Beautiful Wife

Position of the Month Club

Strategic Coaching Session with Alisa

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