“The minute you start keeping score you’re destroying the relationship.” —Tony Robbins

Do you keep score in your marriage? Maybe something along the lines of “I do more than you” or “you never do this”? Like it or not, you’re keeping score. Maybe without even realizing it. 

Is this normal behavior? Yes.

Is this damaging behavior to your marriage? Also, Yes.

If you’re starting to feel a little guilty, know that this happens in every relationship and you are not alone. In fact, 88% of ONE family admits that at some point in time in their marriage they have kept score. 

This type of “I do more than you” or scorekeeping also pops up in different areas of our marriages including how you give affection, how you parent your children, and even in how you have and initiate sex.  

When your marriage becomes less about coming together and more about who will win the next round, everyone loses. That’s the problem with playing a game like this. As things continue on, you quickly find that no one wins. A mental scoreboard impacts every part of your life. 

The cost can be high. You can quickly lose your:

  • Peace
  • Happiness
  • Joy
  • Contentment
  • Unity
  • Trust

This is because “scorekeeping” directly contributes to creating resentment, frustration, and even anger. Once that takes hold, communication begins to fail too. 

But you can take back control and put the focus on teamwork.

First of all you should ask yourself “Where did I get the idea that my marriage has to be fair?” 

You have come from a different set of experiences than your spouse. Your personality is also different than your spouse’s and that’s going to impact expectations on both sides. Maybe your spouse doesn’t know that you’re tired of always doing the dishes because you’ve never told them you’d like help with that. 

Once you realize that this behavior is linked to the fact that you really need to hash out your expectations AND understand the way you want to focus as a couple, things start to become clearer. It’s amazing how those two things do go hand in hand. 

When you recognize that you are in a cycle, keeping score about who does what and especially who does more than you need to take action. Part of being on the same team is realizing that repeating the same arguments and frustration over and over is the definition of insanity. So it makes sense to work together to communicate and take action rather than continue to go in circles.

If you’re not sure where to start, it’s time to learn more about you and your spouse, how your personalities work together and what makes you tick. You can get all of those answers with the Love Deeper Video & Audio Workshop and begin to stop keeping score and instead love deeper!


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Other Resources:

506: Marriage Is A Team Sport

Position of the Month Club

Strategic Coaching Session with Alisa

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