569: DEALING WITH CONFLICT: PART 1 — WHAT ARE WE FIGHTING ABOUT

“You get in the biggest fights with the people you care the most about because those are the relationships you are willing to fight for.” —Anonymous

Conflict is a part of any marriage. You are two different people, with different histories, different opinions, different ways of doing things.

How you react and engage with that conflict is what makes all the difference.

As a married couple, you may find yourself experiencing conflict when it comes to money, kids, sex, work, or hobbies. Or maybe your conflict comes from in-laws or friends. In some cases, these conflicts may be overlapping. Other times, they stand alone.

While it could be any of those topics, or maybe some we didn’t list, there are a number of factors that contribute to conflict showing up in a marriage.

It could be that things seem worse when you are:

• Tired
• Overworked
• Struggling with unmet expectations
• Or simply tired from having to make so many decisions

Being tired, overworked, or unable to communicate your own needs can easily make something small turn into something big. If there are many stressors in your life, it could be that you have not had the chance to solve one problem before the next one hits. 

When this happens, you may be thinking, “we seem to just fight about everything.” In some cases, that might be true, but there is often more to it than that. For that reason, it’s important that you understand not only what’s creating conflict, but why it’s happening in the first place. 

It may seem silly to stop and ask yourself, “what are we fighting about and why is this an issue today?” But you need that moment to gain clarity.  The truth is that you can’t overcome a challenge if you don’t know what it is.

If you don’t know what causes your problems, you can’t work together to solve them. Insight goes a long way into understanding what’s causing tension. 

Your awareness of the conflict(s) in your marriage and what’s behind it, is the beginning step to changing how you respond. From there you can create an environment that is centered around strong communication and problem solving when there is conflict in the relationship.

169: Is This Abuse?

477: Emotional Exhaustion

569: Dealing with Conflict: Part 1 — What Are We Fighting About

571: Dealing with Conflict: Part 2 — I Wish You Would Just…

573: Dealing with Conflict: Part 3 — How I Handle Things

575: Dealing with Conflict: Part 4 — Our Conflict Plan

***If you’re experiencing emotional or physical abuse please call or contact the agencies below for assistance.

Women call:

US: Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233
UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
Australia: Call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Worldwide: Visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis centers.

Men call:

UK: Call the ManKind Initiative at 01823 334244
Australia: Visit One in Three Campaign