623: KEEPING SECRETS

“Keeping secrets from someone is no different than lying to them. It’s still dishonest.” —Anonymous

As a married couple, you want to be able to share your struggles, wins, and obstacles with your spouse. You shouldn’t be keeping secrets. 

And yet as you move through seasons of your life together, this might not always be the case. Maybe you’re afraid of how your spouse will respond or simply don’t feel like what’s going on is that important.

It’s those “secrets” that over time can lead to a disconnect in your marriage. 

Remember back to the beginning of your relationship. You were an open book as you shared with one another, learning about what the two of you had been through, and opening up about deep secrets.

Some of your stuff came out at the beginning and some over time as the trust grew between the two of you. 

Then as time goes on, slowly, there’s the stuff that doesn’t get shared or the things that no longer feel safe to open up about.

This may include: 

• Money (how to save, spend, plan for the future)
• Sex (what do we enjoy, initiating, orgasms)
• The anxiety you’re dealing with
• Problems you’re having with others or with work
• Things that the two of you disagree about

But choosing not to share something about any area of your marriage can be negatively impacting one or more of the 6 Pillars of Intimacy.

When you are not sharing this is directly impacting your emotional intimacy. This is the closeness that is created through sharing each other’s feelings, thoughts, and desires. If you’ve found that you’re not sharing then it’s time to find out what can be done about it.

Your marriage is a living, breathing organism. The choices that you make have one of two options for your relationship. They either build it up or tear it down. Even those choices that seem neutral they could all potentially be harming your relationship.

If you find yourself in a pattern where more and more things are not being shared, where you are choosing not to say something, it’s time to take stock of what’s going on, what’s happening in the dynamic of your communication with one another. 

If you have tried to bridge this gap on your own and are struggling, get a coach. You don’t have to do this on your own. It’s a great way to get the tools you need.

193: Divorce Is Off The Table