687: LOW DESIRE, HIGH DESIRE TUG OF WAR
“Strength lies in differences not in similarities.” —Stephen Covey
What exactly is desire? Many people define it as a longing, a craving.
Within marriage, it’s often used regarding sexual appetite.
It’s this difference in sexual appetite that can cause cracks to appear in your sexual intimacy. For instance, the identification of the “low desire spouse” or the “high desire spouse” can create an environment full of:
- Bitterness
- Resentment
- Anger
- Guilt
- Frustration
So why do variations in desire even happen?
Well, men and women are wired differently. There are high-desire women and low-desire men, just as there are low-desire women and high-desire men.
High desire refers to the person who wants sexual connection/sexual intimacy more than the other.
However, one myth that we need to destroy is that it’s always the same person who will have high or low desire.
In reality, desire can change over the course of a marriage because of many factors, like one’s health, stress levels, kids, and general aging.
Additionally, it’s important to point out that differences in desire aren’t just about sexual intimacy. Your emotional intimacy and how the two of you communicate about this challenge can dramatically affect your marriage.
Unfortunately, society has led all of us to believe that these differences are inevitable—something you just have to accept. But sexual intimacy matters.
The problem with all of this is that if not addressed in a marriage, those feelings of being rejected, unloved, or unwanted can spiral into something so much bigger. As a result, it can bring on feelings of not being wanted, anxiety, and depression.
And yet this is happening in bedrooms every day.
Instead of feeling like a mutually enjoyed activity designed for husband and wife, sex becomes this tug-of-war between spouses where everyone is ending up miserable and in the mud.
Figuring out how to make this work isn’t just one partner’s responsibility. It’s not just the spouse with a higher libido who has to understand why their spouse doesn’t want to have sex—or the low libido spouse wondering why the other always wants sex.
Instead, it starts when the two of you strengthen your pillars of intimacy. To do that, you need to have the tough conversation. Then, you can create a plan that will strengthen your sexual intimacy.
You can have a healthy sexual connection with differences in desire if you choose to make your marriage a priority.
Resources
The Vagina Bible: The Vulva and the Vagina: Separating the Myth from the Medicine
The Penis Book: A Doctor’s Complete Guide to the Penis
7 Days of Sex Challenge: How to Rock Your Sex Life and Your Marriage
Connect with Us
Join the ONE Family private Facebook group to share your story and connect with other couples who are creating extraordinary marriages. To reach us on the Hug Hotline, call or text 858-876-5663 or email hugs@oneextraordinarymarriage.com.
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