687: LOW DESIRE, HIGH DESIRE TUG OF WAR

“Strength lies in differences not in similarities.” —Stephen Covey

What exactly is desire? For many, it can be defined as a longing, a craving.

Within marriage, it’s often used regarding sexual appetite.

It’s this difference in sexual appetite that can cause cracks to appear in your sexual intimacy. It’s the identification as the “low desire spouse” or the “high desire spouse” that can create an environment full of:

• Bitterness
• Resentment
• Anger
• Guilt
• Frustration

Why do variations in desire even happen?

Well, men and women are wired differently. There are high desire women and low desire men just as there are low desire women and high desire men.

High desire refers to the person who wants sexual connection/sexual intimacy more than the other.

One myth however that needs to be destroyed is that it’s always the same person who will have high desire or low desire.

Desire can change over the course of a marriage because of many factors, like one’s health, stress levels, kids, and general aging.

It’s important to point out that differences in desire aren’t just about the sexual intimacy. Your emotional intimacy and how the two of you communicate about this challenge can dramatically affect your marriage.

Society has led all of us to believe that these differences in desire can be expected and just have to be accepted. We’re supposed to get to a point where sex just doesn’t matter and yet it does.

The problem with all of this is that if not addressed in a marriage, those feelings of being rejected, unloved, unwanted can spiral into something so much bigger. It can bring on feelings of not being wanted, anxiety, and depression.

And yet this is happening in bedrooms every day.

Instead of feeling like a mutually enjoyed activity designed for husband and wife. Sex has become this tug-of-war between spouses where everyone is ending up miserable and in the mud.

Figuring out how to make this work isn’t just one partner’s responsibility. It’s not just the high desire spouse who has to understand why the low desire spouse doesn’t want to have sex. Or the low desire spouse wondering why the other always wants sex.

It starts when the two of you strengthen your pillars of intimacy. To do that, you need to have the tough conversation. From there, you can create a plan that will strengthen your sexual intimacy.

You can have a healthy sexual connection with differences in desire if you choose to make your marriage a priority.

The Vagina Bible: The Vulva and the Vagina: Separating the Myth from the Medicine

The Penis Book: A Doctor’s Complete Guide to the Penis

7 Days of Sex Challenge: How to Rock Your Sex Life and Your Marriage