“Complaining about a problem without posing a solution is called whining.—Theodore Roosevelt


We’ve all had seasons where it seems like everything is a complaint and truthfully, the marriage isn’t very fun when that’s the case.

Whether you complain about your spouse or you celebrate them, you’re affecting your emotional intimacy and likely at least one other intimacy as you focus on some aspect of your marriage when you complain about them.

Complaints can be simple or complex, but they all have an impact. Some of these that you may have said or heard are:

  • You only want sex/you never want sex.
  • It’s all about the kids.
  • We spend no time together.
  • I can’t believe you spent that much money.
  • You never touch me.

What you complain about matters too.

  • Prioritizing work over your spouse.
  • Toilet paper not getting on the roll.
  • Too much social media time.
  • Lack of sexual desire.
  • Not including your spouse in financial decisions.

Practically all complaints touch on at least one of The 6 Pillars of Intimacy, so if you’re complaining about it, there’s likely a crack in that pillar.

So how you can shift from complaining to celebrating by addressing the cracks in your 6 Pillars of Intimacy?

If you have realized this is an issue, it’s time to take stock of what you are complaining about.

Remember, in these situations, the one complaining keeps saying the same thing, the one hearing it just tunes out the complaints, and neither one of them is happy.

The interactions are on auto-pilot. So being aware of what you complain about takes you off of autopilot and allows you to address which pillar or pillars have cracks.

Remember, baby steps are a great way to find a solution and every solution starts with “what can I do?”

So set up a time to discuss this with your spouse. Make sure you are away from where you usually complain and have these conversations.

If you complain in the kitchen about the bills, go for a walk.
If you complain about the difference in sex drives in the bedroom, sit on the couch.

A change of scenery can make all the difference.

And don’t be afraid to get help if needed. Sometimes, breaking out of your cycles takes professional help. If you need it, get it.

Emotional Feelings Wheel

287: The Impact of Tone and Timing

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