Massage is a tool you can add to your marriage toolbox to keep your physical intimacy strong. 


Physical intimacy is the closeness and connection created through your loving touch. It’s any non-sexual touch that you enjoy, including holding hands, kissing, cuddling, and more. 

Throughout your marriage, you may have never given or received a massage. Or, you might have tried once or twice but never got the hang of it. 

No matter your experience massaging your spouse, there are plenty of reasons to try (or try again). 

Massage 101

First and foremost, not everyone likes massages. That’s okay. 

Physical intimacy is all about the touches that you enjoy and that your spouse enjoys. There are plenty of other ways to boost physical intimacy if massage is not one of those enjoyable touches for you or your spouse. 

But if massage is something one or both of you enjoy, you can tap into several health and relationship benefits, from relaxation and pleasure to increased trust and intimacy. 

How to Give Your Spouse a Massage

There are a few things to consider when massaging your spouse. 

First, set the mood. 

A massage is a great way to de-stress and unplug. To give your spouse a relaxing massage, find a space where you can be alone. It could be in your bedroom or another room where no one will disturb you.

Turn on calming music, light candles, and turn down the lights. Your spouse should lie on a comfortable surface, such as a bed or massage table. 

Make sure the room and surface are a comfortable temperature for your spouse, especially if they will remove clothing. Turn up the thermostat or lay down a warm towel or sheet.

Then, massage your spouse using tender touches. If the goal of the massage is relaxation, keep your movements slow and steady. Or, if your spouse is seeking relief in a particular area of their body, you can adjust your pressure to their liking. 

Asking your spouse for feedback is a great way to know whether you’re on the right track. In addition, consider using a massage oil or lube to help reduce friction during the massage. 

As always, communication is key. If you are the one receiving the massage, speak up if you want your spouse to make adjustments. Your spouse wants you to enjoy the massage, too.

7 Ways Massage Boosts Intimacy with Your Spouse

Adding massages to your marriage toolbox provides a new way to spend time with your spouse, and you can also benefit from the many positive effects of massage as both giver and receiver. 

1. Massage Starts a Conversation

One of the quickest ways to strengthen your physical intimacy is by asking your spouse when and where they want to be touched. Over the years, preferences may change. 

If you don’t know whether your spouse likes massages, simply ask. Or if you know they like massages but aren’t sure where to start, ask your spouse which parts of their body they’d like touched.

Some people only want a specific part of their body rubbed. Others enjoy full-body massages. Introducing massage into your physical intimacy provides a new opportunity to learn about your spouse’s desires. 

2. Massage Releases Feel-Good Hormones

Massages can increase your endorphin levels, which makes you feel happy and relaxed. It can also increase oxytocin, which helps you feel more connected to your spouse. These benefits can make the time you spend together even more enjoyable.

3. Massage Can Reduce Physical Pain

If you’ve ever had a knot in your back, you know how helpful a massage can be in reducing pain. A massage can help relieve headaches, muscle tension, and other discomforts. Giving a massage can also help you learn about your spouse’s body and know where they most often experience pain.

4. Massage Can Reduce Stress and Anxiety

Stress can be a massive obstacle for couples. Massage is a great way to reduce stress for both the giver and the receiver. The calming environment can have a tremendous effect on both spouses. In addition, massage causes the body to release hormones that help reduce stress and anxiety.

If stress is getting in the way of your intimacy, get instant access to the Stress and Sex Masterclass to begin taking action today. This Masterclass explores the effects of stress on your relationship and provides simple tools to help you create the extraordinary marriage you want.

5. Massage Boosts Trust

Massage can help create and boost a sense of trust and security between you and your spouse. In essence, touch is a way you can communicate love to your spouse.

Massage also creates an environment where you both feel safe and comfortable. When you and your spouse touch, there is a powerful feeling of belonging and connection. 

6. Massage Can Be a Date

Massage can be a great low-cost date idea for you and your spouse. You can have fun together picking out massage oils or candles. Perhaps you take turns massaging each other while sharing your thoughts and desires. 

With this approach, you can incorporate three intimacy pillars at one time: emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, and recreational intimacy. And it can easily lead to another pillar of intimacy… 

7. Massage Can Lead to Sexual Intimacy

You can have physical intimacy without sexual intimacy, but it’s virtually impossible to have sexual intimacy with your spouse without some aspect of physical intimacy. Massage is one action that can often lead to sex. 

It’s important to communicate expectations ahead of time. You can avoid frustration or disappointment by discussing in advance whether sex might happen. If you plan to have sex after the massage, it can be part of your foreplay. 

3 Myths About Massages

For some couples, massage is not the best way to strengthen their physical intimacy. However, many others miss out on the benefits of massage because they have the wrong idea about how to incorporate it. It’s time to dispel some myths about massages!

“I’m not good at giving massages, so I shouldn’t massage my spouse.”

You don’t have to be a professional when it comes to physical intimacy. Physical intimacy is all about figuring out how you and your spouse like to be touched. 

If your spouse enjoys your touch as you massage their body, that’s all that matters. You don’t need any special credentials or training. 

However, if you feel too intimidated even to try, do some research. For example, watching a quick video about the basics of massage can help you feel confident and capable of massaging your spouse. 

“A massage has to last a long time.” 

Sure, professional massages can last upwards of 60 or 90 minutes. But your spouse probably isn’t expecting that from you. 

It’s okay to give your spouse brief massages. If five or ten minutes is all you can handle before becoming uncomfortable, communicate that to your spouse and look for solutions. Maybe you need to shorten the length of the massage but offer them more often.

Some spouses cannot give massages because of physical limitations. If you face this challenge, focus on other ways to strengthen your physical intimacy. For instance, holding hands, cuddling, or giving small back rubs can be great alternatives.  

“It will cost a lot of money.” 

Giving your spouse a massage doesn’t have to be expensive. The experience can be incredible with a simple massage oil, lube, and a candle

Your time and touch matter most to your spouse. While certain products can enhance the massage, don’t let this become an excuse or obstacle. You can always give a massage with just your hands. 

Additional Resources

If you want to enhance your massage experience, lubes and oils go a long way. For our favorite products and more ideas, check out our Amazon page with links to lotions, perfumes, creams, and more. You can also find bedroom accessories to create a relaxing massage environment.

Watch the video below to rekindle the spark and restore the connection in your marriage today!

In the 6 Pillars of Intimacy®, you will discover secrets that have transformed countless marriages. Its ideas are simple, practical, and powerful. You’ll be inspired to look at your marriage through a new lens and be encouraged by its commonsense approach.

Alisa and Tony DiLorenzo's proven approach to building intimacy in marriage will help you experience deeper and richer levels of intimacy with your spouse – starting today. Click HERE to get your copy today!

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