703: IDENTIFY AND COMMUNICATE YOUR EXPECTATIONS
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” —Bernard Shaw
Like so many, you may have come into marriage with expectations. We all have expectations. From sex to kids to spending money to where you’re going on date night, they are there.
When those expectations aren’t identified (discontent, frustration and resentment build internally) and when they aren’t communicated, many emotions and feelings can arise.
Things like…
- I don’t want to be seen as controlling or telling my spouse what to do.
- Why should I have to tell him/her?
- I want them to want to do what I want. I don’t want to influence them.
- Why doesn’t my spouse just know what I want.
- I don’t want them to resent me for telling them what I want.
So if you are upset, frustrated, irritated or annoyed about what your spouse isn’t doing or what you want them to do, it may be because you haven’t told them or you think they should just automatically know.
And those expectations, well, that’s on you. It’s not on them.
When it comes down to it, this isn’t a trust issue. It’s a communication issue.
It’s happening because there are cracks in your emotional intimacy because you are confusing who’s managing expectations.
Your expectations are yours. They live inside your head and heart. Until you know what they are and take the leap of faith in sharing them, your spouse is at a disadvantage.
Your expectations affect how the two of you relate to one another.
And often those expectations are not being shared in a way that is beneficial to your relationship.
Yes, they may be hinted at. Or even voiced after the fact, or when you are highly emotional. But are they clear?
Remember that the two of you are on the same team. It’s important that you create an environment where expectations can be shared AND received.
You can’t take action on things you don’t know about.
You can get started by getting to know yourself and what you expect. Together, you can build stronger communication and be more in sync with your expectations.
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