“What’s done in the dark will come to light.—Anonymous

solo masturbation

The role of masturbation can take on many facets within your marriage.

You may have incorporated masturbation into your marriage because of illness or physical impairments.

You may incorporate mutual masturbation as a part of your time when the two of you are being sexually intimate with one another and stimulation is happening as part of your foreplay or even the act of sex itself.

It’s another thing when masturbation is happening solo.

Solo masturbation is when you are stimulating yourself without your partner’s presence and/or knowledge that it’s taking place.

That’s why it can get dicey.

When your spouse doesn’t know the behavior that you are engaging in or when you aren’t including them in the behavior, there can be a lot of emotions that surface.

  • Fear
  • Insecurity
  • Jealousy
  • Loneliness
  • Loss of intimacy
  • Betrayal
  • Inadequacy
  • Disconnect
  • Withdrawal

These emotions can lead to cracks in your 6 Pillars of Intimacy®, specifically your sexual, physical and emotional intimacies.

When there are cracks in your pillars of intimacy, you can find yourself feeling more disconnected, having less patience with one another, and even falling into being roommates.

Although solo masturbation can have a place in your marriage, it’s how you are strengthening your sexual, emotional and physical intimacies that’s matters most.

For some, this is a tool in your sexual intimacy toolbox because of different sex drives or sexual needs. If this is the case, know it is an opportunity for the two of you to deepen your emotional intimacy around a topic that rarely gets talked about.

Do you let your spouse know when you are engaging in this?

If you are learning/know what works for you… do yourselves a favor and share it with one another. As a husband told Alisa in a coaching call the other day, “I want to know what works for her. I want to make her feel good!”

If this is something that is causing a wedge between the two of you, it’s time to consider coaching to work through the circumstances and emotions and to create strategies for your marriage.

Maybe the two of you have never had a conversation about this. Maybe it’s something that’s been happening “in the dark” and it needs to be talked about because of the divide that it’s causing. Be courageous this week and start the conversation.

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