“Don’t tell your spouse they can’t do something and then turn around and do it yourself. Double standards aren’t fair to anyone.—Emily Smith

double standards

Merriam Webster defines a double standard as a set of principles that applies differently and usually more rigorously to one group of people or circumstances than to another.

This happens in so many places outside of your home. And yet today we will focus on what it looks like when it happens within your marriage.

We will also talk about the impact that double standards can have on your marriage, specifically your pillars of intimacy.

When one of you expects something differently of your spouse than you would expect of yourself, it affects the two of you. Especially when those feelings are not discussed and the feelings of resentment or bitterness may grow.

Over the years, double standards can pop up with responsibilities around the house, parenting, sex, and just about everything else.

It is human nature to look at others, especially those that you are closest to, and hold them to a different standard than yourself. It’s normal to justify what is ok for you to do and what’s not ok for you to do.

The challenge comes when those double standards affect the marriage. When your feelings about the double standard become more cyclical and create disconnect, it’s time to do something. Too many marriages don’t address areas like this and allow these types of behavior to create a wedge, to create disconnect, to turn into cracks in your pillars of intimacy.

Often it comes down to awareness and vision. What are the two of you aware of and what’s the vision that you have for your marriage? When you realize the behaviors that are affecting your marriage and how they align (or don’t) with the vision that you have for your marriage, you can take action.

When the double standards crack your pillars of intimacy, it’s time to do something about it.

How do you know when it is happening? Your body will tell you when you feel like there’s a double standard.

When you notice your perception of a double standard, it’s time to be intentional and take action. Focus on the vision that you have for the extraordinary marriage you want.

You may find that it’s simply changing expectations or a lack of clarity in how something is communicated.

If talking through the double standards leads to more conflict, it may be time to address your conflict cycle and get the help of a coach. Don’t wait to apply for coaching today!

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