“You get what you focus on, so focus on what you want.—Anonymous

get focused

It’s almost the New Year—a time when many people decide to get focused, set goals, and go after the life they want.

Well, sort of.

How many times have you set a New Year’s resolution only to abandon it within a few days or weeks? You’re not alone.

But when it comes to achieving goals, your marriage is too important to give up on. You just need a plan.

Without a plan, you won’t know what actions to take, how to get where you want to go, or why it even matters. As a result, it’s easy to give up when things don’t go as expected or become overwhelming.

But when you get focused and take action, things begin to shift. 

Ask yourself this question: What would it look like for you and your spouse to focus on one pillar of intimacy next month?

Maybe you and your spouse feel disconnected in your emotional intimacy. Perhaps you’ve never been consistent with your financial intimacy. Or you might recognize a lot of cracks in your sexual intimacy.

Try focusing on one pillar of intimacy next month (without ignoring the other five completely, of course). Hone in on why you want to get focused and strengthen your marriage. Then, follow these three steps to create your game plan.

First, determine which pillar you will focus on for the next 30 days. The 6 Pillars of Intimacy® are emotional, physical, financial, spiritual, recreational, and sexual. 

You and your spouse need to agree on the pillar. When you both commit, you can hold each other accountable.

If you have different ideas about which pillar to prioritize first, use this as an opportunity to learn more about your spouse’s perspective. At the same time, be honest with your spouse about any thoughts or concerns you haven’t voiced before. Consider applying for marriage coaching if you are struggling to have these conversations.

Next, determine your ideal outcome.

What do you want to happen in this pillar? Do you want to feel more connected? Do you want to be more consistent? Whatever your desired outcome, be specific.  

Finally, identify one to three actions that will support your desired outcome.

Don’t overwhelm yourself with a bunch of tasks. Write down a few actions you can commit to and why they’re important. When you face challenges, it’s easier to stick to your goal when you can articulate why it matters to you and your marriage.

For example, if you want to focus on your sexual intimacy and experience more frequency, you might decide to schedule sex, decline events that keep you too busy, and ask your spouse how they like to be romanced.

Alternatively, if you want to focus on emotional intimacy and talk more with your spouse, you might use conversation cards, go on walk-and-talks, and put your phone away when your spouse is speaking.

During the month, track your actions. Then, meet up again as a couple at the end of the month to discuss how it went. Determine the pillar of intimacy you want to focus on in the next month.

Actions done consistently—not perfectly—yield results. Don’t limit yourself by thinking that you have to do everything right. Imagine what can happen if you are consistent just two-thirds of the time.

As you move into a new year, commit to focusing on one pillar of intimacy each month. Determine what you can do consistently to create the extraordinary marriage you desire and deserve. Then get focused and take action.  


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