“Good things come to those who initiate.—Susan Roane

let's have sex

To keep sexual intimacy strong in your marriage, your initiation needs to go beyond just saying, “Let’s have sex.”

Romance, initiation, foreplay, and intercourse all play vital roles in your sexual intimacy. If you’re brushing aside initiation each time, you’ll miss out on opportunities to grow closer with your spouse.

Understandably, it can be hard to know how to initiate sex in fresh ways, especially if you’ve been married for several years. Fortunately, the ONE Family has plenty of ideas.

It’s time to examine what intentional initiation looks like when it comes to sex.

Initiation looks different for each couple, so it’s important to discuss expectations with your spouse. Sexual intimacy should be so much more than just checking off a box.

It’s one thing to determine how you want to take turns initiating sex. The Intimacy Lifestyle Planner is a great tool to help you with this.

It’s another thing to have a conversation about how you want your spouse to initiate sex.

The truth is that everyone wants to feel desired. One way to make that happen is by bringing back the flirtation, seduction, teasing, or romance that you had in the beginning.

When it comes to flirting, seducing, and initiation, husbands and wives throughout the ONE Family wish their spouses knew how much these actions mean.

For example, people shared that flirting and seduction are major turn-ons. It makes them feel desired and loved. On the other hand, a spouse may feel rejected if their husband or wife doesn’t flirt back.

These simple actions of initiation are vital to the health of your sexual intimacy.

But incorporating these actions can come with challenges. Members of the ONE Family shared obstacles such as digital distractions, low self-confidence, timing, busyness with children, and fatigue.

These challenges are real, but the two of you can change the cycle of just saying, “Let’s have sex.”

You can choose to engage. And you can make this an experience that builds your emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy—all at the same time.

To get started, you need to have an honest conversation about initiation.

It can be awkward to start this conversation, but it’s key to helping you avoid disappointment or resentment, which can grow when your unstated expectations aren’t met.

There are two crucial questions you need to discuss.

First, ask each other, “How do you show me you are initiating sex?”

You both need to take time and reflect on this question. In the past, what have you done to initiate? Assess what actions come naturally to you and which ones you need to practice.

Talk with your spouse about the creative ways you are already initiating sex beyond just saying, “Let’s have sex.”

Second, ask, “How would you like me to initiate?”

It’s possible that what you’re doing works alright, but your spouse may have other ideas of actions that would make them feel loved and desired. This is where you connect the head to the heart. This is where genuine connection and intimacy come into play.

Don’t stay in your own head thinking that you know what your spouse wants. Allow yourselves time to think about new ways you can initiate sex.

Let’s be clear: it’s not like you can never say, “Let’s have sex” again. But this shouldn’t be your only method of initiating. You need actions that convey desire and romance.

Thankfully, the ONE Family has several ideas to help pull you out of the “Let’s have sex” slump and become more intentional about romancing your spouse before sex.

For instance, sexy messages are a great way to initiate sex and build anticipation throughout the day. You could send flirty texts, fun emojis, or seductive pictures.

Another great way to enhance initiation is through sexual and nonsexual touches. Sweet kisses and gentle caresses can make your spouse feel desired. A hug from behind or a playful pinch can also be a form of initiation.

Other actions can convey intentional initiation to your spouse, such as setting up the room for intimacy with a candle or sex wedge.

Ultimately, you have to discover what works best for you. What changes can you make to let your spouse know you desire them? Get into the habit of being romantic with your spouse and initiating in ways beyond just saying, “Let’s have sex.”

These romantic actions got you to the place of wanting to marry each other. It’s more important than ever to continue romancing your spouse and initiating sex in meaningful ways as your marriage grows.


21 Ways to Initiate Sex With Your Spouse

Intimacy Lifestyle Planner

140: Scheduling Sex

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Join the ONE Family private Facebook group to share your story and connect with other couples who are creating extraordinary marriages. To reach us on the Hug Hotline, call or text 858-876-5663 or email hugs@oneextraordinarymarriage.com.

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