“You repeat what you don’t repair.—Alisa DiLorenzo

conflict cycle

Conflict is a normal part of life and marriage. You and your spouse are different people and will inevitably have different thoughts, feelings, and opinions.

Although conflict is unavoidable, it doesn’t have to derail your relationship.

When you add tools and strategies to your marriage toolbox, you can learn to do conflict well. As a result, you’ll be able to resolve conflicts quicker and become more connected.

Many people handle conflict on autopilot.

You and your spouse learned about conflict from your parents, friends, movies, and more. It’s likely the two of you have approached conflict in the past with little understanding about why you fight the way you do.

Conflict can arise in any of your 6 Pillars of Intimacy®.

Among the ONE Family, the pillars that often have the most conflict are sexual, financial, and emotional intimacy. To be sure, the remaining pillars—physical, spiritual, and recreational—can cause fights, too.

Members of the ONE Family share that arguments often come from unmet needs, budgeting, inability to express themselves, not having shared beliefs, frequency of sexual intercourse, enthusiasm, and much more.

Do you relate to any of these?

Because of conflict, you and your spouse become disconnected. If you don’t understand and learn how to break your conflict cycles, you keep repeating them. Eventually, they can have a disastrous effect on your marriage.

Conflict cycles can result in things like anger, resentment, less sex, isolation, or the silent treatment. It can make you feel like you’re not on the same team or in a standoff with each other.

Not understanding your conflict cycles or knowing how to interrupt them can lead to arguments that never get resolved.

When this happens consistently, it erodes your intimacy—the closeness and connection you experience as spouses. Ultimately, it makes your marriage weak.

Here’s the thing: the goal isn’t to have zero conflict in your marriage. In fact, a lack of conflict suggests you’re disconnected.

Instead, extraordinary couples know how to fight well. They do the work to understand themselves so that they can interrupt the conflict cycle before damage is done.

So how can you take action and break your conflict cycles?

First, read Chapter 5 of The 6 Pillars of Intimacy Conflict Resolution: The Secret to Breaking the Conflict Cycle in Your Marriage. This chapter will help the two of you identify the conflict cycles in your own marriage. As a result, you can take actions that will have real, lasting effects on how you approach conflict.

As you’ll discover in The 6 Pillars of Intimacy Conflict Resolution, you can achieve conflict resolution in countless ways. For example, you can schedule important conversations, stay present during arguments, resist the urge to become defensive, or attend marriage coaching.

No matter how long you’ve been married, it is possible to develop skills to do conflict better.

You don’t have to stay stuck in your conflict cycles. Together, you can take responsibility for your actions and work to create a better future.


The 6 Pillars of Intimacy Conflict Resolution: The Secret to Breaking the Conflict Cycle in Your Marriage

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