774: I DON’T FEEL LIKE HAVING SEX

“You can never expect to succeed if you only put in work on the days you feel like it.” —Anonymous

Has this ever happened to you? You’re tired, disconnected, overwhelmed, or, for whatever other reason, uninterested in having sex with your spouse.

But the two of you initiate sexual intimacy. And soon enough, you’re enjoying yourself!

Among the ONE Family, 90% of you say you’ve had sex when you weren’t feeling it and had a great encounter with your spouse.

So, instead of playing the high desire/low desire tug-of-war, what if there was a different way to look at it?

Maybe you’re the spouse who rarely feels in the mood, but you know that sex with your spouse will be great as long as you can get your brain and body to that point.

Or you might be the spouse experiencing changes in hormones or libido. As a result, your desire for sex has decreased.

These situations don’t mean that your spouse doesn’t know how to arouse you or that you no longer find them attractive. But during various seasons of marriage, you might find that you simply don’t feel like having sex.

In these seasons, you can strengthen your emotional and sexual intimacy by discussing what is going on for you and your spouse—and by approaching this situation from a new perspective.

You’ve likely believed the typical model of “If I have desire, I’ll get aroused.”

It’s time to flip that perspective and acknowledge that not everyone experiences desire before they get aroused.

Instead, recognize that when you engage in arousing activities, desire often follows.

This is where initiation, foreplay, and communication play a major role.

First, be honest with your spouse about what you’re feeling. It’s okay to communicate that you aren’t aroused yet and will need your spouse to stimulate you.

Additionally, be clear about what actions, touches, or words will help you get in the mood.

If you’re a low-desire spouse, this is especially encouraging for you. Rather than thinking nothing can change, you can take action to help keep the Sexual Intimacy Pillar strong in your marriage.

You know sexual intimacy is important for your marriage. You enjoy the connection and the experience.

So, when you don’t quite feel like having sex, think about what else can help you overcome those feelings and strengthen that pillar.

You might need to communicate more or vocalize your needs to your spouse.

Perhaps you need some more time with foreplay to get the hormones flowing and get the burst of energy and desire.

Starting a sex challenge might be the jumpstart you need.

You might need to set the mood in your bedroom with different lighting, temperatures, or aromas.

Sexual intimacy is vital to your marriage. And you can choose to engage.

Start with this conversation. Then, figure out one thing you can change to help you overcome when you don’t feel like having sex.

With consistent communication and commitment, you can experience breakthrough in this area. As a result, your sexual intimacy will flourish.

Resources

The 6 Pillars of Intimacy: The Secret to An Extraordinary Marriage

The Sex-Starved Marriage | Michele Weiner-Davis | TEDxCU

30 Day Sex Challenge: The Ultimate Guide to Reboot Your Sex Life

Connect with Us

Join the ONE Family private Facebook group to share your story and connect with other couples who are creating extraordinary marriages. To reach us on the Hug Hotline, call or text 858-876-5663 or email hugs@oneextraordinarymarriage.com.