“There is nothing lonelier than sitting in the same room with someone and having absolutely nothing to talk about. The lack of affection can be tolerated but to feel invisible is painful.—Anonymous

nothing to talk about

Emotional intimacy is dynamic. It changes all the time. So what you do (or don’t do) as a couple will determine whether it’s getting stronger or weaker. 

That becomes a challenge if you feel like you have nothing to talk about. 

Sure, you might be good at talking about the logistics of your lives. There are the bills, chores, kids, and so on. 

But when it comes to truly talking and deepening your emotional connection… crickets.  

Conversations likely flowed easily in your relationship’s early days. But as the years passed, it became harder and harder to connect. 

The good news is that just because you’ve been in a season where you’re not talking doesn’t mean it has to be a permanent condition for your marriage. There are ways to break out of stale emotional intimacy. 

Think about how you and your spouse talked when you first got to know each other. You genuinely wanted to hear their thoughts. You did activities they enjoyed because you wanted to have fun with them. The two of you spent more time looking into each other’s eyes than at your phones. 

But then things changed. 

Maybe life became busy and made it hard to connect. Perhaps it felt easier to go with the flow than check in with your spouse. Disagreements, disconnection, or apathy might have pulled you apart

And now you feel like you have nothing to talk about. 

How can you turn the tide? 

First, start small. If you’re both a little rusty at having conversations together, don’t expect a total transformation overnight. Rebuilding emotional intimacy takes time. 

Put a small activity on the calendar. It could be as simple as getting an ice cream cone together, going on a walk, or taking a class together. 

Doing something else while having conversations is a great way to leverage recreational intimacy to build emotional intimacy. It takes away the pressure of staring into each other’s eyes the whole time. And the activity can lead to laughter, simple conversation, and sweet memories for the future. 

Don’t forget to actually schedule it. If you’re out of practice, it’s essential to make time for this connection. Otherwise, you’ll always find something else to do. (Spoiler alert: It won’t be as important as strengthening your marriage!)

Next, don’t be afraid to use a tool or resource to make your conversation easier. You don’t have to come up with the questions all by yourself! Pick up Connect Like You Did When You First Met or 88 Great Conversation Starters for Husbands and Wives

Then, take turns asking questions, listening intently, being curious, and answering honestly. Don’t be accusatory, aggressive, or defensive. That’s not what this time is about. This time is to reconnect. 

A great way to make sure you’re being an active listener is to use the phrase, “Tell me more about that.” This helps you avoid jumping down your spouse’s throat if they say something that surprises you. 

Finally, make sure to celebrate your wins. It can be as simple as a kiss, hug, or high-five. 

Rebuilding emotional intimacy and learning to talk again as a couple is no small thing. You deserve to acknowledge any and all progress you make! 

The beauty of emotional intimacy is that you always have the opportunity to make it stronger. 

If you find yourself feeling like you have nothing to talk about, take action with the ideas above. Change won’t happen overnight, but you can take the first step today. 


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