806: I DON’T KNOW IF I WANT TO DO THAT

“Feeling unsure and lost is a part of your path. Don’t avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it.—Louis CK

want to do that

Imagine your spouse comes to you with an out-of-this-world date idea. It could be scuba diving, rock climbing, skinny dipping, or some other wild activity. 

You want to build recreational intimacy, but you might think to yourself, “I don’t know if I want to do that.” 

Recreational intimacy is all about the things you do together to have fun. But there will be times when one of you is resistant to an idea. 

It’s completely normal. In fact, trying new things tends to stir up fear or frustration. 

That’s why it’s important to know how to approach these situations the right way

Your marriage is made up of two unique people. What sounds like a good time to one of you might be nerve-wracking to the other. 

Instead of ending up in conflict or disconnection, there’s a better way to handle this resistance.

How? 

First, recognize that you’re in good company. 

Among the ONE Family, 65% of you said there have been times when your spouse suggested an activity you weren’t sure about trying. For example, they might have suggested skydiving, golf, ballroom dancing, or going to the shooting range.

In response, you might have frowned or given an absolute “no.” 

Other times, you might have needed to start slowly before enjoying yourself. 

Many couples admit that the activity was not something they would have done on their own, but they ended up having a great time doing it. 

Your intimacy as a couple depends on how well you can communicate through your differences

That’s why the second step is to talk things through. 

When one of you has resistance to an activity, get curious. 

If you’re the one who’s not sure you want to do it, ask questions: 

  • “What do you envision the activity looking like?”
  • “What’s expected of me?
  • How much will I need to participate? 

If you’re the one who wants to do the new activity, give your spouse space to talk about their concerns or fears. Help them investigate what’s behind the resistance or hesitancy—without judging, blaming, or pressuring them. 

Then, try to find out what compromise would work for both of you. Look for ways to start slower or at a different stage. For instance, you could go to a driving range instead of playing 18 holes of golf.

When one spouse gives a hard “No, I don’t want to do that,” don’t leave it at that. The conversation is only just beginning.

Are there alternatives to the proposed activity? 

Is there a deeper issue that the resistant spouse needs to work through? 

This is the time to extend lots of grace for each other’s differences. 

While the resistant spouse might feel fear or anxiety, the other spouse might feel rejected or disappointed. Process those emotions together.

Ultimately, recreational intimacy should bring you closer together with fun activities. When one spouse says, “I don’t know if I want to do that,” discuss alternatives. 

There will always be resistance at certain points in marriage. It’s not an excuse to give up. Instead, that’s when it’s time to dig in together and find solutions that work for both of you.

Resources

15 Unique Date Ideas for Married Couples

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