“Making someone feel seen, heard and understood is the greatest way to love them.—Anonymous

seen and heard

To feel seen and heard is one of our greatest desires as humans. In fact, it’s the small things that make most people feel loved. 

For instance, it’s when your spouse: 

  • Puts down their phone to talk with you. 
  • Schedules a date to reconnect. 
  • Remembers something you said. 
  • Gives you a long, unexpected kiss. 

These actions aren’t hard or complicated. Instead, the thing that usually stands out is consistency. 

You probably know what it feels like to not be seen or heard. Maybe it’s when you have to repeat yourself over and over to your spouse. Or it’s when they pick up dinner but don’t get anything you like. 

In these instances, you can feel rejected and invisible, which certainly is not a recipe for an extraordinary marriage. 

But the beauty of marriage is that you can continue to explore what makes you and your spouse feel loved. 

Each day, you’re growing and changing. In other words, the person you and your spouse were on your wedding day is now different. Don’t forget that! 

You need to be intentional about learning what makes each of you feel seen and loved. 

Then, you need to take action. 

For example, some folks in the ONE Family say that the following things make them feel seen and heard: 

As you can see, the simplest things can make the biggest difference in making your spouse feel loved. In fact, these actions can make you feel more connected in any of The 6 Pillars of Intimacy®, making your marriage stronger and more fulfilling. 

Now, it might be difficult for you to express what makes you feel seen and heard. 

If that’s the case, borrow some ideas from the ONE Family above. Even if you don’t have the exact words to articulate your needs, you can use one of the ideas above as a starting point. 

Let it prompt a conversation between you and your spouse. Ask them what makes them feel seen, heard, and understood. And be honest when you answer yourself. 

If you never ask, you might never know what things are meaningful to your spouse. 

Above all, it’s important to have this conversation without getting defensive. Approach it with curiosity and an open heart. If you are currently disconnected, you may need to spend time strengthening your emotional intimacy before diving into this conversation. Additionally, you may need to work with a marriage coach to facilitate these discussions.

Making your spouse feel seen and heard doesn’t have to be outrageous or over-the-top. It just has to bring closeness and connection. 

So ask your spouse. Then, you can both start showing up for each other in little ways that are actually really big. 


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