820: I’M ONLY HAVING SEX BECAUSE YOU WANT IT

“A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive is personal relations. People wish to be liked not endured with patient resignation.” —Bertrand Russell

There’s one simple phrase that can zap the joy and excitement out of getting sexually intimate with your spouse: “I’m only having sex because you want it.” 

It’s not something you would have said in the early days of your marriage. But as the years go by and underlying issues pile up, this phrase can become a painful reminder of disconnection in your relationship. 

Even worse, this phrase often goes hand in hand with the statement, “I could take it or leave it.” (Ouch.) 

Both of you deserve a sex life that is fun and pleasurable—not one that feels forced or obligated. 

Roughly 50% of couples in the ONE Family have either said this phrase or heard their spouse say it. 

Learn how to take action before it does any more damage. 

Here’s what happens in marriages when one spouse says they are only having sex because the other person wants it: 

• It robs the experience of joy and pleasure. 
• Sex feels forced.
• It’s deflating and demoralizing. 
• You might not feel loved or desired. 

Of course, you don’t always have to say yes to having sex with your spouse. There will be times when you genuinely aren’t up for it. 

But if this is a pattern in your marriage, then it’s important to investigate why this is the mindset around sexual intimacy.

First, you have to consider all of your 6 Pillars of Intimacy®. Even though this phrase is specifically about sex, it highlights potential issues in other areas of your marriage. 

Explore what is happening in your other five pillars:

• Are you spending time together?
• Are you touching each other in meaningful ways? 
• Do you pray or serve together? 
• Are you doing fun things?
• Is there strife or stress around your finances?

Often, disconnect in your Sexual Intimacy Pillar is tangible evidence of cracks in other pillars. 

Second, explore what is causing the phrase “I’m only having sex because you want it” to appear in your marriage. Likely, that statement wasn’t there at the beginning of your marriage. 

So what changed? 

Trauma, hurt, and anger can warp your mindset about sex. Maybe you feel stuck in roommate syndrome or have built-up resentment. Changes in your body, such as perimenopause or erectile dysfunction, can affect your desire for sex. 

Often, this phrase shows up when you aren’t willing to address those underlying issues. 

Until you take the time to tackle those problems head-on, the cracks in your sexual intimacy (and likely several other pillars) will continue to grow. 

Be brave enough to look at what’s behind the phrase, “I’m only having sex because you want it.” 

Then, do what is necessary to rebuild your 6 Pillars of Intimacy®. That might include getting your hormones checked, talking with a marriage coach, or getting away to reconnect. 

Remember, extraordinary couples work together to experience the relationship they desire. So get intentional and take action!

Resources

The 6 Pillars of Intimacy® Virtual Seminar

BOLD Wives Club

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Join the ONE Family private Facebook group to share your story and connect with other couples who are creating extraordinary marriages. To reach us on the Hug Hotline, call or text 858-876-5663 or email hugs@oneextraordinarymarriage.com.