827: WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT TOUCH
“Physical touch heals the nervous system. It strengthens the immune system. We’re meant to touch and be touched on a regular basis. And not just in an attempt to have sexual intimacy.” —Dr. Nicole LePera
In many areas of life, what is modeled for us directly impacts our own approach. Conflict, finances, communication… We often do exactly what we saw our parents do—or we do the opposite. The same is true when it comes to touch.
What you observed about touch growing up can silently influence how you feel about it in your marriage. And if you’ve never thought about it before, the influence might be doing more harm than good.
Your Physical Intimacy Pillar encompasses all the loving, non-sexual touches you share with your spouse. These touches build closeness and connection; it’s not about sex.
Many folks in the ONE Family saw their parents touch one another in common ways: kisses, hugs, and holding hands.
For some, physical intimacy wasn’t as obvious in their parents’ marriage—an occasional peck on the cheek, an arm touch, or little pats.
Others in the ONE Family shared that they saw their parents engage in their physical intimacy through back scratches, cuddling, dancing, and butt smacks.
However, the majority of the ONE Family said they never observed their parents touch one another.
Think about the impact of that.
When you never see your parents touch, you might not prioritize physical intimacy in your own marriage. You might have to unlearn some bad habits or be more intentional about showing your spouse affection.
For those who did see their parents touch, physical intimacy might come more naturally because they saw it modeled. Some people find themselves doing the same touches they once saw their parents do. For others, they’re motivated to touch their spouse even when they’re exhausted because they want their kids to see them be physically intimate.
Of course, you might have never seen your parents touch if they got divorced. Or your parents might have believed they just weren’t “touchy-feely.“
Whatever your experience, you and your spouse get to decide what physical intimacy looks like in your marriage. But it’s important to remember that what each of you saw (or didn’t see) modeled for you will affect what you believe about touch.
If you never saw touch modeled, you’re not alone. And if you only saw it on TV or in movies, you might need to adjust your expectations. Even if you saw your parents model touch, your spouse might have different preferences.
Ultimately, the two of you get to write your own marriage story.
When it comes to physical intimacy, what touches do you want? What kinds of physical intimacy are most meaningful to you and your spouse?
If there’s a touch that helps your spouse feel more close and connected to you, try it! (Yes, even if it’s not something you like or need yourself.) This is an area of marriage when it’s important to compromise, learn new strategies, and choose to engage with your spouse. Baby steps work, too.
If you need motivation, think about this question: What do you want your children (or grandchildren!) to be able to say about the physical intimacy in your marriage?
Remember, you were willing to engage in physical intimacy with your spouse when you were dating. So you’ll need to continue exploring ways to touch each other so you can enjoy strong physical intimacy in your 70s, 80s, and beyond!
And if your immediate response to this is “But…“ then you need to get help to address the underlying hurt that is keeping you from growing closer with your spouse.
Physical intimacy matters. It’s not a one-time conversation, and it’s not a one-time action, either. What are you going to choose for your own relationship?
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