832: FORGIVING WITHOUT FORGETTING

“Forgiveness is not always easy. At times it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.” —Marianne Williamson

You and your spouse are human, so you’re not perfect. You make mistakes, say harsh words, and sometimes cause each other immense pain. How can you move forward forgiving… without forgetting? 

The journey of forgiveness isn’t an easy one. It requires you to acknowledge deep wounds, take personal action, and find a way to move forward together. 

But forgiveness is necessary for the sake of your marriage. 

Unforgiveness left unchecked can quickly turn into bitterness and resentment. It hinders the closeness and connection (in other words, intimacy) between the two of you. 

If you’ve ever heard the phrase “forgive and forget,” you might feel stuck because you think there’s no way you can forget what your spouse did. 

You’re right. Forgiveness doesn’t automatically erase everything that happened. 

However, you can release the debt and find peace again.  

Plus, you’re not alone if you are struggling to forgive your spouse. 

In a recent poll, 68% of the ONE Family said there was something they needed to forgive their spouse for, but something was holding them back. For example, it could be fear, anger, or stubbornness. 

Many couples have experienced a breach of trust and deep pain. For others, the spouse’s offense has happened multiple times. 

Let’s be clear: Abuse is never acceptable. If you’re in an abusive situation, please seek help immediately. 

But if you’re struggling to forgive your spouse, remember this: forgiveness does not mean you have to forget. You’re not giving your spouse a clean slate or condoning their behavior if you forgive them. 

There’s a huge difference between forgiveness—which is an independent choice—and reconciliation, which is both of you working together to repair your relationship. 

Forgiveness is about acknowledging the specific ways you’ve been hurt and recognizing the emotional debt you feel is owed to you, such as an apology or clear change. 

You have to choose to release the debt on your own. It might take a few times. However, if you continually bring up your spouse’s past actions, you might not have forgiven them as much as you thought. In those instances, marriage coaching could be helpful. 

As you work on forgiving without forgetting, establish clear boundaries. Consider speaking with a trusted counselor or coach for additional support. Over time, your spouse can rebuild trust through consistent action. 

Focus on your emotional intimacy, as well as the rest of The 6 Pillars of Intimacy®. You might want to keep a forgiveness or gratitude journal to write down your thoughts as you go through this journey. 

Ultimately, forgiveness is a challenging yet necessary part of any relationship. Remember, it’s not about forgiving and forgetting; it’s about finding peace for yourself and your marriage. 

By releasing the debt and working together to rebuild intimacy, you can create the extraordinary marriage you desire.

Resources

820: I’m Only Having Sex Because You Want It

The 6 Pillars at Sea Marriage Getaway

Grace Forgives, by Pastor Joby Martin on The Church of Eleven12 Podcast

Called to Love: Experiencing Your Best Marriage Through the Words of Jesus

Gratitude Planner Free Marriage Guide

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Join the ONE Family private Facebook group to share your story and connect with other couples who are creating extraordinary marriages. To reach us on the Hug Hotline, call or text 858-876-5663 or email hugs@oneextraordinarymarriage.com.