841: Living Like Roommates

“If you are not connecting with your spouse on a daily basis, you are exchanging your soulmate for a roommate.” —Maggie Reyes

Marriage has all kinds of seasons and cycles—the newlywed stage, raising kids, building careers, becoming empty nesters, and so on. But there’s a sneaky cycle many couples find themselves dealing with: the roommate cycle.

Living like roommates causes a lot of grief and heartache. No one gets married expecting that, one day, they’ll be hardly more than roommates with their beloved spouse. 

But slowly, the romance disappears. Conversations become centered around logistics. The connection you once enjoyed feels like a long-lost memory. 

While you might have “fallen into” the roommate cycle, that doesn’t mean you have to stay there forever. There are steps you can start taking today to restore connection in your marriage, even if your spouse isn’t on board. 

“Roommate Syndrome” affects more marriages than you might think. 

In a recent poll, 54% of the ONE Family said they feel like they are currently living more like roommates than husband and wife. 

What causes so many couples to start living like roommates? Here are some of the most common contributing factors:

• Stress
• Busy schedules 
• Communication breakdowns
• Lack of sexual desire or intimacy
• Putting kids before the marriage 
• Apathy and complacency 

Connection—in any and all—of The 6 Pillars of Intimacy® is a daily choice. 

Choosing not to connect day after day can turn any once-loving relationship into a simple living arrangement. 

To reverse the roommate cycle, you have to take steps to create change in the marriage. 

For you, that might look like date nights, adult-only trips, going to bed at the same time, or turning off the phones to talk. You could read books, listen to podcasts, or pick up a new hobby together. 

There are endless ideas for reconnecting.

And yet, it can be hard to move forward if you feel like your spouse doesn’t see the problem. 

That’s why the first question you need to ask is “What can I do to break this cycle?”

Sometimes, one spouse has to be bold enough to go against the status quo. Get fired up to fight for your marriage. And then, just start taking action. 

If your spouse isn’t ready to change or engage, make sure you’re getting the help and support you need. Speak with a marriage coach or counselor to process your emotions, find the right words to say, and work through the pain that living like roommates creates. 

You can try as many strategies as you need to find what works for the two of you. 

But what you can’t do is continue living as roommates and hoping things will just improve on their own. It doesn’t work that way. You have to do something different in order to get different results.

So start by looking at the person in the mirror. What changes can you make in the next 30 days to stop living like roommates and start living like lovers again? 

Resources

001: 60 Day Sex Challenge

Man in the Mirror — Michael Jackson

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