843: When Words Get In The Way
“The power of a few well chosen words and a change in tone may completely transform a phrase.” —Anonymous
If you want to stay close and connected to your spouse, you have to talk with them. But what happens when the words you say get in the way of that connection?
Certain words can mean different things to the two of you. Without realizing it, a specific word might trigger you or your spouse to become confused, defensive, or shut down entirely.
All this time, you might have assumed it’s a specific subject that’s a landmine in your marriage, when really, it’s just a word or two.
For example, consider the word “budget.” For some spouses, this word might evoke feelings of restriction, scarcity, or negativity. If that’s your spouse’s response, they might never want to sit down and look at the budget.
A simple word switch could open up a whole new world for your financial intimacy! Instead of “budget,” you could try some of these replacements: spending plan, financial vision, or money map.
Or what about the word “needs”? One of you might not think you have “needs,” but when you reframe it to ask what makes them feel emotionally connected, ideas might rise to the surface.
Some couples aren’t fans of the phrase “sex challenge” because it implies difficulty or shortcomings. When they switch to words like “opportunity” or “adventure,” the exact same concept becomes instantly more attractive!
So when you feel disconnected over a topic, remember that it’s not always about that topic.
Sometimes words get in the way because certain words carry a different meaning for your spouse.
The next time you feel triggered by a specific word, do some self-reflection about why that word rubs you the wrong way. Often, your past experiences influence how you perceive certain words. Your emotional associations are valid, but it’s up to you to confront and work through the challenges they pose. Marriage coaching can help.
The best part is that the two of you can create your own “marriage dictionary.”
Pay attention to the words that make you feel uncomfortable, criticized, or another negative reaction. Discuss why these words create resistance. Then, find some alternatives.
It’s as simple as asking, “Could we find another way to say…?” or “What word would feel better to you?
For instance, if you prickle at the word “intimacy,” consider replacing it with “closeness,” “connection,” or “together time.”
Does the word “sexy” bring up negative feelings? Try switching it with “attractive,” “beautiful,” or “desirable.”
Practice your new vocabulary and adjust as needed.
It’s so easy to forget the power of words, but ultimately, you have power over the words you use. Take action today to create your own marriage dictionary and let words bring you together instead of dividing you.
Resources
The 6 Pillars of Intimacy: The Secret to an Extraordinary Marriage
319: ESP (Extrasensory Perception)
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