849: Pornography Kills Intimacy

“Porn isn’t harmless. Research shows that watching porn leads to a decrease in marital satisfaction, emotional separation and can double the likelihood of divorce. No website, video or images are worth damaging your marriage.” —Matt & Heather Cook

Over one-third of couples in the ONE Family say that pornography has impacted their marriage. 

It’s not a harmless act. Pornography systematically destroys the intimate connection between you and your spouse in all 6 Pillars of Intimacy®. 

It deteriorates your bond, shatters trust, and creates barriers to genuine emotional and sexual intimacy.

The fallout from pornography addiction includes feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy. It contributes to a lack of desire, lack of sex, or inability to orgasm. 

Here are some real responses from couples in the ONE Family about how pornography impacted their marriage: 

• It’s broken the trust in our marriage.
• I was so hurt by the betrayal.
• It made me insecure.
• I’m not attracted to him while he’s attracted to this.
• It’s affected how I interact with women and how I treated my wife in the early years of our marriage.
• He was wanting or expecting things that weren’t realistic.

As you can see, pornography doesn’t just affect the person consuming it, whether as videos, audio, erotica, or any other format. It also impacts the spouse—their self-confidence, desire, and trust. 

Ultimately, pornography kills intimacy. 

With 35% of couples reporting this challenge in their marriage, it’s not something you’re facing alone. 

Extraordinary marriages have a responsibility to go against the norm and take a stand for marriage. 

Pornography use distorts your view of sex and intimacy, hijacks your dopamine receptors, and keeps you stuck in a cycle of shame and secrecy. 

Healing from pornography use doesn’t happen overnight, but it certainly won’t happen in silence. The most important step is to tell someone, such as your spouse, an accountability group, or a trusted friend. 

You can’t make progress until you shine a light on the addiction. If you want to restore intimacy in your marriage, you have to take a bold step to reveal the problem. 

Here are five ways to begin restoring closeness and connection after pornography use is revealed. 

• Do a complete digital detox. Addiction is vicious, and you have to be serious about overcoming it. Restrict or remove all digital devices that could provide access to pornography.
• Rebuild trust through total transparency. Hold each other accountable by sharing passwords, accounts, and devices to demonstrate commitment to rebuilding trust. If you need help rebuilding trust, apply for coaching. 
• Redefine sexual intimacy. As you heal, redefine what your sexual connection looks like. It should be based on mutual respect and real connection rather than performance or comparison.
• Identify and address the root causes of pornography use. What drives your addiction? Whether it’s stress, past trauma, or an unhealthy coping mechanism, you have to address the underlying issue. A simple first step is to watch the Porn Free Man Masterclass.
• Create a healing plan together. Get clear with each other about what steps you’ll take to begin rebuilding the closeness and connection that pornography has damaged. 

Our story is proof that you can experience connection, love, and beauty in your marriage, even after the pain and darkness of pornography addiction. But you have to commit to the process.

And remember, you don’t have to face this alone. 

Resources

Apply for Marriage Coaching

Porn Free Man Masterclass

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Join the ONE Family private Facebook group to share your story and connect with other couples who are creating extraordinary marriages. To reach us on the Hug Hotline, call or text 858-876-5663 or email hugs@oneextraordinarymarriage.com.