850: Sexual Arousal

“Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.” —Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Desire. The word comes up all the time when people talk about sexual intimacy. There’s responsive desire, spontaneous desire, low desire, high desire… But desire is only half of the equation. It’s equally important to know what creates arousal in your spouse. 

Think of it this way: 

Desire is the mind saying, “I want sex.”

Arousal is the body saying, “I want sex.”

At times, those two things might work together like a well-oiled machine. You have a thought, your body responds, and off the two of you go! 

But for many couples, it’s not always that easy. Hormonal fluctuations, stressful situations, young kids, and a myriad of other factors can impact your sexual arousal. 

For some spouses, there’s desire but no physical response. Other times, you might need arousal before you have desire. 

Understanding the role of desire and arousal—and what works for you and your spouse—is one of the best ways to strengthen your sexual intimacy. 

Within the ONE Family, 75% of you see a difference between desire and arousal. Ultimately, desire is the mental state of wanting sex, whereas arousal is the physical sign of a sexual response.

With that in mind, here are some of the things that may help you get aroused:

• Affectionate physical touch
• Seeing your spouse’s naked body
• Making out
• A deep kiss
• Cuddling
• Oral sex
• Your spouse initiating
• Engaging your senses

Knowing how you and your spouse like to be aroused is just the first part of the equation. Taking action on that information is the second part. 

Above all else, you’ll need to engage your emotional intimacy. If you can’t talk about what you’re experiencing, you’ll likely both feel a mixture of frustration or doubt. 

What if you’re not comfortable having conversations about sex? Take it slow, and have the conversations outside of the bedroom.

As you explore what sexual arousal looks like for both of you, here are a few more practical steps to implement. 

1. Schedule intentional arousal time. Give yourselves time to explore new touches or methods of arousal without feeling pressed for time. 
2. Use what you know works. Lean into the things that arouse your spouse. For example, if back massages arouse them, learn how to give really good massages! 
3. Vocalize and communicate. Ask questions like “How does this feel?” or “Would you like it if I…?” Tell your spouse what feels good. 
4. Help reduce the mental load. If your spouse is overwhelmed or distracted by their mental to-do list, tackle some things so they can fully enjoy sex. 
5. Create a comfortable environment. Take a weekend to turn your bedroom into a sanctuary where the two of you feel relaxed and focused on each other. 
6. Recognize that fluctuations will happen. What works to create arousal might change based on stress levels, health, hormones, or simply mood. Be adaptable. 

Learning how to create arousal for your spouse is the gift that keeps on giving. Approach arousal with a sense of fun and exploration rather than as a task to complete. 

As you continue to learn what works for the two of you, you can experience deeper sexual intimacy as part of your extraordinary marriage.

Resources

The Penis Book

The Vagina Bible

Überlube

Intimacy Mastery

Connect with Us

Join the ONE Family private Facebook group to share your story and connect with other couples who are creating extraordinary marriages. To reach us on the Hug Hotline, call or text 858-876-5663 or email hugs@oneextraordinarymarriage.com.