852: Sex Challenge #19—What Happened

“Some people want it to happen, some wish it would happen, others make it happen.” —Michael Jordan

A sex challenge is about so much more than just sex. 

Recently, we’ve been talking with Intimacy Mastery members about how little actions can create big changes in a marriage. 

And when we realized that we were going to be “pseudo empty nesters” for nine days, we decided to get intentional and do our 19th sex challenge!

We have completed at least one 7 Day Sex Challenge each year since our first one in 2008, which was the 60 Day Sex Challenge. 

Each time we do a sex challenge, it impacts different pillars of intimacy and reveals new things to us about our marriage. 

But this one was a little different than the others. 

For starters, we didn’t have to worry about interruptions by kids in the home. Additionally, we’ve been extra inspired by the intentionality of other couples in Intimacy Mastery. 

But another element that made this sex challenge unique is that we are both navigating getting older and how it impacts our sexual intimacy. 

For men, sexual arousal might look a little different as you age. You might need more emotional conversations or physical touch, such as kissing or cuddling. 

For wives experiencing perimenopause, you might need lube to help with a lack of natural lubrication. 

The key change that we experienced this time was the ability to communicate our needs using The 6 Pillars of Intimacy® framework. It’s important to normalize these conversations around your sexual intimacy so that little hiccups or challenges don’t completely derail you. 

Here are six lessons we learned during Sex Challenge #19: 

1. It’s not just about sexual intimacy. Yes, sex is the catalyst, but it impacts all of your intimacies, including emotional, physical, recreational, and more. 
2. Emotional intimacy matters just as much as sexual intimacy during a sex challenge. When you’re emotionally connected during a sex challenge, it turns sex from a chore or checklist item into something both of you are excited about! 
3. Your expectations matter. For a successful sex challenge, it’s crucial to ask questions to minimize tension or frustration (which could derail things). Here are some questions to ask: 
   1. Who’s going to initiate? 
   2. Who is going to make sure that the lube or the toys are handy? 
   3. Who’s going to pick lingerie or location? 
   4. How will you each take turns? 
4. Sexual intimacy isn’t going to be perfect every time. When things don’t go according to plan, use it as an opportunity to learn, talk, and grow closer. There might be times when you need lube or someone doesn’t climax. That’s okay! Focus on what builds closeness and connection. 
5. What works for the two of you doesn’t have to work for anyone else. From location to frequency or length, you get to decide what you want to do.
6. Accountability can help. Being part of a community of couples actively working on leveling up their marriage was a source of encouragement and motivation. Having couples in your corner who are excited about doing marriage well is priceless.

Ultimately, Sex Challenge #19 was one where we learned new things, had fun, and got excited for the next one. 

Never tried a sex challenge? Has it been a while? Then take this as your inspiration to try one and see how it can transform your marriage!

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