860: Not Good Enough

“Some days you’ll be productive, some days you won’t. Some days you’ll be healthy and energized, some days you won’t. But every day you can control whether you show up or not.” —Mark Manson

It starts with good intentions… One spouse wants more connection and a stronger marriage. But the other hears a different message: “What we have is not good enough.”

It’s a common tension. And if not handled well, it can leave both of you feeling unseen, unheard, and unloved.

So how do you talk about growth without causing hurt?

Recently in Intimacy Mastery, this topic came up. Here’s what one spouse shared:

“We’ve been working on emotional intimacy, and I think it’s been going pretty well. However, I seem to be in a pattern of focusing on how to change, and it seems to be received as if what we have isn’t good enough. How do I approach these conversations without making it feel that way?”

That phrase “not good enough” can become a slippery slope.

On one hand, it can make one spouse feel inferior, like their efforts don’t measure up. On the other, the spouse focused on improvement may feel like they have to walk on eggshells just to avoid triggering those feelings.

This dynamic can show up in any of The 6 Pillars of Intimacy®.

You may feel “not good enough” when it comes to touch, conversation, praying together, or connection.

Not good enough in the bedroom, as a parent, or when it comes to handling money.

Those three little words—not good enough—can send both of you into a spiral.

Maybe you’ve heard your spouse say:

• I’d like us to talk more about our feelings.
• I wish you would hold my hand more.
• It would be nice to have regular money meetings.
• I wish we prayed together more.
• I’d love it if we dated more often.
• I feel like I’m the only one who initiates sex.

When one spouse wants more, and the other feels “not good enough,” tension builds quickly.

But what if that’s not their heart at all? What if their desire is for the two of you to have an extraordinary marriage based on your own definition (and not in comparison to others)?

Every couple’s journey is different. If you’re breaking past cycles of dysfunction, you might need to approach change and conversation differently.

This doesn’t have to be a shutdown or a tug-of-war. This could be the start of reclaiming your shared vision and working together to make it a reality.

When you’re in this space, how can you move forward?

Try these simple steps:

• Reframe improvement as collaboration. See suggestions as invitations, not criticisms. Focus on building a shared future instead of dissecting the past.
• Use shared language. Avoid “You always…” or “You never…” and try “How can we…?” instead.
• Celebrate the small wins. If you’re at 80%, celebrate that! If your spouse initiates sex or pulls out a conversation card, celebrate their efforts, too.
• Don’t tackle every pillar at once. Choose one to focus on. Progress happens where you invest your attention.

Tip: Need help picking a pillar? Join Intimacy Mastery to take the personalized Intimacy Assessment and receive a customized Marriage Roadmap with clear steps to improve your weakest pillar in just 30 days.

If you’re the one feeling “not good enough,” stay engaged. If your spouse is feeling dejected, hug them. Hold their hand. Remind them you love them. When tempted to criticize, remember your own flaws too.

We all feel “not good enough” at times. But the key is recapturing your vision and turning it into daily connection so you can experience an extraordinary marriage.

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