861: It’s Not You, It’s Me

“Communication is the fuel that keeps the fire of your relationship burning; without it, your relationship goes cold.” —William Paisley

Touch is one of the simplest ways to communicate love. But what happens when those familiar touches suddenly feel irritating or painful?

For many wives, hormonal changes during menopause can make even the sweetest, gentlest touch feel uncomfortable.

When neither of you understands why, it can leave you confused, frustrated, and disconnected.

Touch helps couples reconnect after long, stressful days. But at the very time when kids are growing up and you may be caring for aging parents, a woman’s hormone levels may leave her not wanting to be touched at all. Worst of all, most couples don’t know why—or how—this is happening.

Touch can become so uncomfortable during menopause that all a wife knows to say is, “Don’t touch me.” That can feel hurtful to a husband who just wants to connect physically.

So how can the two of you bridge the gap?

How does a husband recognize that it’s the hormones—not rejection?

And how can a wife explain what’s going on when she doesn’t fully understand it herself?

Let’s shed some light on what’s happening physiologically.

During menopause, estrogen production declines dramatically. These fluctuations impact nerves and skin, which can can increase the perception of pain and discomfort. Even familiar touches from 10 years ago now feel different as nerves respond in new ways.

Additionally, lower collagen and oil production means drier, tighter, itchier skin. Some wives describe it as tingling, burning, or pins and needles. Others say it feels like a rubber band snapping on their skin.

And don’t forget: vaginal tissue can also become thin, dry, and inflamed, causing burning or itching.

(Remember: Not every woman. Not every symptom. Not every time. Get support for your journey in Menopause Shouldn’t Suck.)

No wonder touch doesn’t feel the same during menopause!

Nerves, inflammation, dry skin, burning sensations, heightened sensitivity—all of these wreak havoc on physical intimacy. But it doesn’t have to be the end.

Here are four ideas to try today:

Create a dedicated conversation space. Find a relaxed spot away from your usual places. Try a walk-and-talk, a drive, or sitting on the porch.

Be specific about types of touch. Ladies, help your husband understand what feels uncomfortable and what still feels good. For example: “Right now, light touches feel irritating, but firm pressure like a massage can still feel wonderful.” That gives him a roadmap, not just a roadblock.

Husbands, remember this isn’t rejection. When your wife pulls away, she’s reacting to discomfort—not pushing you away emotionally. Focus on being a team, and you’ll get through this.

Experiment with other pillars of intimacy. Marriage is more than touch. When physical connection is hard, find other ways: go for a walk, play a game, pray together. Discover what works now, knowing it may change again.

When you understand how your body works, you minimize feelings of rejection and feel empowered to ask better questions. It’s the difference between saying, “Don’t touch me!” and “Here’s why I’m feeling this way.”

If you’re not in this stage yet, file this information away. It can save you from years of disconnection by helping you understand changes in physical intimacy.

If you are in this stage, don’t underestimate how valuable it can be to have community support and expert guidance. If you want to navigate menopause with confidence—your physical symptoms, emotional wellbeing, and your marriage—join Menopause Shouldn’t Suck today.

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