863: Not Mentally Present During Sex
“The most distant person can be the one right in front of you.” —Anonymous
What if the kids walk in? Do I smell? Why can’t I focus?
Distracting thoughts can be a major barrier to being fully present during—and fully enjoying—sexual intimacy.
And you’re not alone: 76% of the ONE Family said they’ve experienced distracting thoughts during sex.
These non-erotic thoughts can range from running through your to-do list to feeling insecure about your body or overthinking your performance.
In fact, researchers Purdon and Holloway identified nine categories of non-erotic thoughts that can interfere with sexual function or arousal:
- Intrusion (getting caught or interrupted)
- Body Concerns
- STIs/Pregnancy
- Emotional or Relationship Dynamics
- Morality, Guilt, or Regret
- Dislike of the Sexual Activity
- General Distractions (unrelated thoughts like work or school)
- Thoughts of Others
- Performance
For men, performance tends to be a top distraction, such as pleasing your wife, lasting long enough, or reaching orgasm. On the other hand, many women are distracted by body image concerns.
Still, for both husbands and wives, any of these thoughts can surface—and often, more than one at a time.
It’s thoughts like…
- Can he see my stomach?
- Does she actually like this?
- We’re doing the same thing again…
- Stress about money…
- To-do list…
- Work and kids…
Chances are, you can relate to a few (or many) of these.
The problem is that these thoughts can trigger anxiety, guilt, or shame. As a result, those emotions further pull you away from your spouse. It becomes a vicious cycle: you’re distracted, then upset that you’re distracted, which only leads to more distraction.
The mind is powerful, and sexual arousal involves both mental and physical responses. When you’re mentally checked out, the body follows. For men, this might mean a softened erection. For women, you may notice reduced natural lubrication or a drop in vaginal elasticity.
So what can help?
The key is knowing how to refocus so you can be fully present and enjoy extraordinary intimacy. Here are some things that help others in the ONE Family get back on track:
- Clearing your mind
- Getting enough rest
- Making eye contact
- Focusing on pleasurable sensations
- Doing a five-senses mindfulness exercise
- Removing distractions from the room (for example: clothes, toys, electronics)
Distractions like dishes, laundry, and work will always be waiting. But your time together? That’s not guaranteed.
So make the most of it. Be intentional about showing up for each other and staying mentally present during sex.
Resources
5 Senses to Heighten Your Sexual Connection
Apply for Coaching With Alisa
Connect with Us
Join the ONE Family private Facebook group to share your story and connect with other couples who are creating extraordinary marriages. To reach us on the Hug Hotline, call or text 858-876-5663 or email hugs@oneextraordinarymarriage.com.
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