866: The Masks We Wear in Marriage
“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” —Brene Brown
Pretending to be someone you’re not is exhausting. Doing it in your marriage can be explosive.
People wear masks for all kinds of reasons. You might put on the “People Pleasing” mask to keep your spouse happy, even if it means your needs go unmet. Or you wear the “Money’s Fine” mask, even though you’re awake at night worrying.
Sometimes, there’s the “Sexual Performance” mask, where you fake enjoyment just to avoid hurting your spouse’s feelings or killing the mood.
Wearing these masks once in a while isn’t the problem. The danger comes when you’ve been wearing them for 5, 10, or even 20+ years.
At that point, your spouse doesn’t know the real you. (And maybe you don’t either…)
So what can you do?
Extraordinary marriages are built on openness, honesty, and vulnerability. And none of that can happen when you’re hiding behind a mask.
Here are seven steps to help you break free from the mold:
1. Recognize that you’re wearing masks and take ownership of it. Ask yourself: What parts of me do I hide? What conversations do I avoid just to keep the peace?
2. Take baby steps to embrace authenticity. Tell your spouse about a hobby you’ve kept hidden or say “no” to something you’ve always said “yes” to, such as a social event you don’t enjoy.
3. Let your spouse know what’s going on. It doesn’t have to be dramatic. For example, try saying, “I want to be more real with you, so you might start seeing parts of me I’ve been keeping in.”
4. Expect a little friction. Especially if you’ve been hiding behind masks for years, your spouse may be confused or concerned. That’s normal, so be patient with them.
5. Create space for your spouse to do the same. Ask, “Is there anything about yourself you’ve felt like you had to hide from me?”
6. Agree on new ground rules. For instance: It’s okay to disagree. It’s okay to have different opinions, preferences, or moods.
7. Celebrate authenticity. When your spouse opens up, don’t judge or try to shove them back into their old patterns.
The masks we wear in marriage lead to resentment, exhaustion, and disconnection.
Many people wear them because they’re afraid they won’t be loved for who they really are. But often, your spouse already senses something’s off. They just don’t know what it is.
Left unspoken, that disconnection grows. As a result, conversations become shallow and trust fades.
It takes courage to show up as your full self. But that’s the only way to build a marriage that lasts.
And if you need support, marriage coaching can help you take those first steps.
On the other side of your masks is real, true intimacy. It’s the closeness and connection that only comes when you are fully known.
Yes, it’s scary. But it’s the foundation of an extraordinary marriage.
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