872: Surviving Infidelity Together

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person’s throat.” —Paul Young

Here’s a statistic that will stop you in your tracks: The USA leads globally in infidelity rates.

Approximately 20% of married Americans admit to having had an extramarital affair at some point in their marriage. That’s 1 in 5 marriages. And yet, there’s likely underreporting due to the shame and secrecy surrounding infidelity, so the real number might be even higher.

Infidelity is one of the most devastating challenges a marriage can face. No one wants to talk about it. But we have to.

Because it’s more than just “don’t have sex with someone who isn’t your spouse.” Infidelity happens on both sides of a marriage. Husbands and wives both fall into this trap. And beyond sexual infidelity, there are so many other ways to betray your spouse and break your vows.

Yes, the definition of “infidelity” includes the act or fact of having a romantic or sexual relationship with someone other than one’s husband, wife, or partner. But it also means to be unfaithful to a moral obligation (in other words, your marriage vows).

It’s any breach of the commitment and trust that forms the foundation of your marriage. For example:

• Physical affairs involving sexual contact
• Emotional affairs where deep emotional connections form outside the marriage
• Digital affairs through texting, social media, or dating apps
• Financial infidelity involving secret spending or accounts
• And yes, ongoing pornography use that breaks agreed-upon boundaries

Even “micro-infidelities” or “micro-cheating” create small breaches of trust that pile up over time and create cracks in your marriage’s foundation.

According to Psychology Today, infidelity doesn’t just impact the couple. It affects your children, extended family, and friend networks. The trauma can last for years. In fact, healing typically takes 18 months to 2 years for significant progress, and up to 5 years for complete recovery.

When infidelity of any kind occurs, the devastation touches everything:

• Emotional intimacy shatters. Communication breaks down, vulnerability feels impossible, and emotional safety disappears.
• Physical intimacy becomes complicated. Even simple touches can trigger painful memories and physical connection feels tainted.
• Financial intimacy often reveals secrets. Hidden spending, secret purchases, and financial decisions made without transparency all create cracks.
• Spiritual intimacy gets tested. Many couples question their values, struggle with forgiveness, and wonder if God can heal their marriage.
• Recreational intimacy suffers. You stop enjoying time together and shared activities become painful reminders.
• Sexual intimacy faces the biggest challenge. Rebuilding sexual connection requires immense trust and patience.

Both the betrayed spouse and the unfaithful spouse can experience symptoms similar to PTSD, such as intrusive thoughts, emotional flooding, and physical symptoms like insomnia and loss of appetite. Not to mention the shame, guilt, and confusion about how to make things right.

But here’s what we want you to know: while infidelity causes tremendous pain, it doesn’t have to be the end of your marriage.

We’re not saying it’s easy or that the pain isn’t real. We’re not even saying you have to stay married.

But we believe that with the right approach (including radical intentionality and often professional help) many marriages can not only survive infidelity but emerge stronger.

Listen now to hear Tony and Alisa discuss the 5 essential steps for healing from infidelity.

Resources

Join Intimacy Mastery Today

Apply for Coaching With Alisa

How to Forgive Your Spouse (Even When You’re Still Angry)

Connect with Us

Join the ONE Family private Facebook group to share your story and connect with other couples who are creating extraordinary marriages. To reach us on the Hug Hotline, call or text 858-876-5663 or email hugs@oneextraordinarymarriage.com.