881: Put the Phones Down
“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.” —Simone Weil
Within the ONE Family, 94% of you say phones cause distractions when you’re trying to connect with your spouse. And the damage goes deeper than you think.
“Phubbing” (phone snubbing) is linked to lower relationship satisfaction, increased conflict, and higher levels of depression. When you choose your phone over your spouse, you’re sending a clear message: they’re not your priority.
Most of us don’t even realize we’re doing it. You pull out your phone to “just check one thing” and suddenly your spouse has stopped talking and the moment for connection is gone.
How do you feel when your spouse looks at their phone during conversations? You told us: ignored, unheard, and unimportant.
When one spouse consistently chooses their phone over conversation, it creates cracks in your Emotional Intimacy Pillar. Over time, you stop connecting and start living like roommates.
It wrecks your physical intimacy, too. After all, it’s hard to hold hands with someone glued to their screen. And why would you want to connect sexually with someone who is more obsessed with their phone than you?
Many of you have tried a few strategies: calling it out, establishing phone-free hours, or waiting for eye contact.
But the phone is usually a symptom of a deeper issue: you’ve lost the skill of being fully present with each other. And if you aren’t addressing that problem, most tactics won’t work long term.
So here’s how you can fix it to create the marriage you deserve:
First, address it when you’re calm. Try: “I’d love for us to be more intentional about putting our phones aside when we’re talking. Can we figure out what that looks like for us?”
Second, create specific phone-free zones. Pick one time or location to try. For example, no phones during dinner, before bed, or 15 minutes after we both get home from work.
Third, ask for attention when you need it. Don’t allow resentment to fester. Say, “Hey, I really need you to hear this. Can you put your phone down for a minute?” Or if they’re busy, ask “When can we circle back to this?”
Finally, go first. Model the behavior you want to see, even if your spouse isn’t ready yet.
This week, pick one phone-free time. Both of you. And focus on just being together.
Remember, your spouse shouldn’t have to compete with a device for your attention. Your marriage might not survive if you can’t put down the phone.
Resources
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Join the ONE Family private Facebook group to share your story and connect with other couples who are creating extraordinary marriages. To reach us on the Hug Hotline, call or text 858-876-5663 or email hugs@oneextraordinarymarriage.com.
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